SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

Freedom #8; side laced, not my style.

2010-06-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

How I wanted to just put on my tennies and bend at the waist.... breathe.... and tie. Just tie my shoes. But no, that was too much of a struggle. A struggle between me and my body; between me and my breath. No thanks. Too much for me today. Even having to tie them by pulling my heavy leg up on top of the other, crossing it as much as possible, and getting the "side tie" was rough. That stomach is in the way, regardless of how you try and tie your shoes.

Look around next time you're out. Better yet, look down. Check the shoes. Check for the side ties. You'll understand. What do you see? Are they obese? Or are they getting older? It's going to be one or the other. BUT, I'm going to wager on this one. Mainly obese it's what you're going to notice. It's a fact. It's just an exhausting process. You get winded. You get sweaty. I'm not kidding. I got sweaty putting on my shoes! Oh my gosh. It pains me to think about it.

But you know what? No more. I bend at the waist and down I go. There's no thought about my stomach becoming the barrier between me and those damn laces, because...? There's no stomach getting in my way. That's right! It's a sweat free, painless process. Just me and my straight laced tennies.... Heading out the door.

Get this freedom, it's a good one. Sounds like a basic one? Ahhh, no. It's powerful. To not fight with your body? Big time joy.

When you're lucky enough to be Irish.... You're lucky enough.

2010-03-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere that the Irish identity is "hard as diamond and as fluid as water - it goes everywhere, endures everything and becomes everyone." It's so true. I think back to my family and all that they "endured" over the years to become who we are today. Although I am a little over half Irish and then a mismatch of several other nationalities, I relate most to being Irish.

When asked I say, I'm Irish.

There are things as an adult that I have learned (whether taught, researched, or often times, I've been lucky enough to have stories recounted to me, by family) about my ancestors; about my family. Their stories have become my history, embedded into my memory as though they belong to me. My struggles today resemble nothing of what my family went through back then. My struggles have never included if we would survive disease and famine. I never questioned whether myself or family would be treated less than humane. I often wonder if I would make the same decisions they did back then or would I crumble under the pressure? Would I feel empowered to stand up and be heard? Would I ever love a place so much that my heart would ache when I think of it, but be willing to leave that place for the smallest chance of survival.

From the very beginning, the Irish have had struggle. It began with the Viking invasions that spanned from 800 to 900 A.D. It was followed by the Strongbow invasion in 1169 A.D that lasted 700 total years. Next, there was English rule, in which so many lost their rights; both political and religious. The land of their ancestors, their family.... and that which belonged to them.... They were forced to pay astronomical fees to live on, and if they couldn't pay? There was certain eviction from the landlords. When it seemed like nothing could possibly get any worse, the famine hit. They had nothing left. Initially, they had no freedom.... no money, no land, and now.... they were dying; by the thousands. The choice to leave had nothing to do with the land they loved. The place of their ancestors; where their hearts and souls whispered to them through the mists of the Emerald Isle. Their choice was to likely die in Ireland (during the potato famine, the population in Ireland dropped by nearly 25%) or to leave their home(s) in search of a new life in America (1 out of 5 Irish would die of disease or malnutrition while traveling on "coffin ships").

These people, my family.... knew life would be hard but they had hope. Hope that they would have rights and be protected in America. This was not the case. There was no group lower than the Irish in the 1850's. Despite it all, they held strong. They were strong in their faith, and their culture and they believed that education is what would allow their children a fighting chance.

When I think of all of this struggle, I am reminded of the stories my Grandfather has told. He grew up in New York; his Father drove a truck and his Mother rented out rooms out to fellow immigrants; to those who needed them... with or without payment. They helped each other survive. They shared what they had and they pulled together. He talked about the people that would come through; the chores he would do; the food they would share; the laughter. He never mentioned the sorrow, and fear. He talked about going out and protecting cars outside the theatres for a nickel. He was proud to help his family anyway he could. I couldn't imagine my Grandfather being a little boy, having to wonder where the next meal would come from but then my immediate thought is to those little sandwiches Grandma would serve us when we'd come to visit.... bread, a thin slice of meat and the smallest trace of mustard. They never forgot what it was like to struggle.

But even in struggle, they had hearts of gold.....

My Dad was the oldest of eight children. They lived in a two bedroom house. My Grandparents moved themselves into the living room and slept on a pull out couch so that the girls and boys each had a room.

I think of the determination....

My Grandmother (my Mom's Mom) tells me the same story about when I was born every time I see her. It used to drive me crazy but now I sit back and take it all in. When I was born, my Father was in Vietnam (in the Navy). He was at sea and the Red Cross refused to send word to the ship that I had been born since it was a holiday; Veterans Day. My Grandmother in her calm, composed demeanor.... let those women know they would be contacting my Father or she would be contacting every state official until they did. My Father still has the telegram; the announcement of my birth. She was so quiet.... I couldn't imagine her with the power and strength to walk up to those women and make such a demand but she did.

I think of their pride in family.....

When I was a little girl, my Grandfather was larger than life. He was tall like my Dad, and would hide coins behind my ears and he was always working on something; fixing something for the millionth time. He would take my Sister and I with him to the Knights of Columbus Christmas celebrations and show us off; his Granddaughters. My Grandmother, she was quiet and composed, always wanting to make sure everyone was OK. Did we need a drink? Some lemonade? Then, she would gently take my hand and walk me through her garden... she would point out the flowers and give me the details of each. My Grandparents were love; quiet love. My Dad talks about how every night, they would take each other by the hand and walk. They would walk. Quietly enjoying each other.

They were selfless.....

They delivered food through meals on wheels for as long as I could remember, until cancer ravaged my Grandfathers body, then my Grandmothers.

Still today, I can close my eyes and see the twinkle in my Grandfather's eyes. I wonder if it's true that "when Irish eyes are smiling...." because his eyes, they smiled. They were magical.

I can still hear my Grandmother's voice; calling to my Dad.... "Danny...maybe the girls would like..."

I wish I knew then all that I know now about their struggles. I wish I knew then all that they had given up and all that they had been through in order to be exactly where they were. I wish I hadn't been so selfish. I wish I had hugged them more. I miss them both.

I guess it has nothing to do with being Irish. It's about family. It's about love.

Happy St Patrick's Day.

Freedom #7.... Have you ever been invisible?

2010-03-08T02:43:00.000-08:00

Wow. This one is a rough one for me. Let me preface this freedom by saying this. I always believed this "being invisible" thing didn't exist. I believed that if you were a good person, then people would treat you well in return. No matter your weight. I was very wrong. Living on both sides, I see that now.

I'm an eye contact kind of gal. I believe it's something you should always do. It was something I've had to learn as an adult because as a child I had such low self esteem I would never look up. I didn't want anyone to think it was about them so I would force myself to look at people and smile. I did this until it became common place; just the norm.

Here's the thing... being fat? Often times you get no acknowledgement back. It's like you're the invisible man/woman. When I moved from California to Ohio at 20, I thought it was so weird how people just didn't make eye contact. I thought it was a small town "thing". I chalked it up to that. When we moved to Chicago? Same thing. I chalked it up to rudeness; we were outsiders and that must be it? Then Denver... Ah, Denver. It was great. We'd walk down the street and folks would actually say "hello! great day we're having" and I was in heaven. Maybe it was the mountain air? The diversity? The city was clean and the people kind! But then I realized... that only happened when I was with my husband! Oh sure, people would sometimes make eye contact and say hello to me but for the most part, I got nothing. And if I needed help? Forget about it. No opening doors. No offering up a bus seat. No "afternoon". No nods. No eye contact. I was invisible. I didn't exist. I thought honestly that this was what life was like.

THEN. I lost weight.

Life changed.

And doors opened. Not just opened. People would wait for me just so they could hold the door. They would inconvenience themselves for my sake. Oh my gosh.... "afternoon" is now full conversations. Nods are nods with a smile. There is eye contact, and acknowledgement. There is existence in this world. And by existence, I mean I existence to others.

I went to get a battery at the local car parts store a couple weeks ago. I opened the passenger door to get the battery out and another customer offered to carry it for me. Another customer opened the door. The clerk brought it back to the car for me. I asked for none of this. I can tell you from years of experience, this would not have happened if I still weighed 355lbs. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the assistance. I just acknowledge the difference.

Oh wait, did I say difference? I meant prejudice.

I am the same person I was at 355lbs. I carry the same spirit and kindness. However, I now "exist" based on my outward appearance and only that. It's societies perception of who I am based on what I look like.

How very sad.

Today, I walk down the street and I acknowledge everyone. I make eye contact. I open doors. I offer up my seat. I smile. I nod and offer up "afternoons" and "hello" to EVERYONE regardless of race, religion, appearance, gender, age, disability, sexual orientation, life status or WEIGHT. Sometimes, kindness is as simple as a smile and a hello. It can change a day. It can change a life.

Existence.

Wordful/less Wednesday

2010-01-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Wonderful Sister!

Yesterday was my sisters birthday. My baby sister. My best friend. There are so many words. There are not enough words. I've written and erased. I decided I would write my memories; there are too many. She and I have laughed and cried, we've fought and made up;

we've grown....

into true sisters.

Nice Rack!

2010-01-15T11:52:00.000-08:00

Like the show isn't bad enough.....

Get your Jersey Show nickname and please....

post yours for me!

Mine is "The Rack" and I have to say; sooooo not true! lol

http://www.unlikelywords.com/2009/12/08/jersey-shore-nickname-generator/

Wordful Wednesday

2010-01-13T12:15:00.000-08:00

I had this really great post for today....

but now?

I've got nothin'

Strip Down

2010-01-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

I was watching Oprah today and they were showing the life of a family in crisis. They started off with a look into the family in their "current" routine.

Mom wakes up and checks her phone; teenage son wakes up and immediately begins his texting; Dad wakes up and gets on the internet to check his email. Finally the 5 year old son wakes up and is parented by the tv.

The whole family is living in the home, together. Sadly, the are existing, apart. They are totally disconnected.

The Mother made the comment, "the people that live within these walls, are the people we should be treating the best;" It's true on so many levels and I appreciate so much that they came forward with their story.

Sadly, what I realized is that this family is not alone. They are becoming more and more of the majority. In this age of communication, we are even further distanced from each other.

Through this I was thinking back to my childhood and our routines. We weren't the perfect family by any means, we could become disconnected absolutely. What I believe the difference between a modern day disconnect and what I recall as a disconnect was when children become teenagers it's normal to have them push boundaries when they are finding their own identity. Normal sort of disconnect, don't you think?

So, my memories were of sitting at the dinner table every night; no tv, no calls, etc (there wasn't much more actually.... we had no computer, no cell phones). Sometimes, I remember just wanting to die at the thought of having to sit down for a half hour of pure uninterrupted conversation with my family. I knew there were going to be questions and conversation....

about the day

how was school? how did you do on your xx test? did you study? did you do your homework? why are you so angry/upset/crying/yelling/ignoring me?

inquiries about future days/weekend plans

when is that xx test? what are your plans this weekend? why are you hanging around xx? why are you so angry/upset/crying/yelling/ignoring me?

oh my gosh; the politics and news of the day

why are you angry/upset/crying/yelling/ignoring me?

lol.....ok, so you get the picture.

There always an emotion and not all of the conversations ended in some form of upset. There was plenty of laughter too. I remember when I was very young my Mom taught us manners at the table (funny thought, eh) and we would all wait to see if we could catch Dad eating before he put his napkin on his lap or saying grace.... those experiences always ended in laughter.

There were no calls after 6pm when I was young and later, it was 9pm. That rule was meant for everyone; parents and kids.... no exceptions. We tested this of course, we tested everything. But again, there were rules.... they were to keep our family structure sound.

I have realized that I need to be more aware of all of the "outside" noise that sometimes makes us forget that time is fleeting and sacred.

It's so fleeting that I remember so vividly when my son was just a baby, and then I blinked....

next thing I knew he was 5.....

I sneezed and all the sudden looked and he's now 9.....

I don't want to look back and wish I had spent more quality time.

I want him to laugh, and cry; to sing, and yell.... with me.....
So tonight, the tv's were off.... the phones were off.... and I read my son to sleep.....

it was joyous.

Got an Ear?

2010-01-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

A friend has been having issues lately with her family. You see, they call her with their issues and she "fixes" them. They have become the children, and she has become the parent. They are all sisters. Unfortunately for her, this is weighing on her heavily. I truly understand the need to "fix" things; to want to rid others of pain, of suffering, of any unnecessary anguish. However, what tends to happen is; the issues become yours and no longer the person you are trying to help. We've had lots of talks regarding this; we've talked in depth about not destroying your own emotional and physical health to save anothers.... to allow others to have learning opportunities through trial and error..... to grow up.
It took me years and years to not be a "fixer" and to learn successfully how to be a good listener.
So my question to you all is.....
Are you a fixer or a supportive listener?
And, if you are a listener.... do you really really listen? Do you resist the urge to offer advice? Do you offer support with open ended questions or do you move the focus to you?
As I said, it took me years to learn how to successfully listen. I used to either attempt to resolve the issue or direct my friends/family on how to solve their issue with "you shoulds, you need to's", etc... and you know what? I was doing such a disservice to them. So, now I attempt to be involved in a supportive role. I thrive to be a good friend and a good listener. A good shoulder... but no longer the fixer.

Wordful Wednesday

2010-01-06T00:10:00.000-08:00

I give you..... the princess.

My angel of a niece.

I adore her.

When I see her; I see my sister at 3yrs old and so many memories come rushing back.

BUT!

She is so much like me too.

Especially that little attitude.

She makes me laugh.

And enjoy all of her little "moments".

This reaction was brought to us on a beautiful sunny day in San Diego at Balboa Park....

instigated by my lovely son.....

she was OVER him.

and I MEAN OVER!

Thanks to Angie over at 7 clown circus for wordful Wednesday....

If you'd like to visit her, please click here

I have no excuse

2010-01-05T18:56:00.000-08:00

Really, there is no excuse for my absence. I miss my blog, I miss my bloggy friends. Life just got in the way but what does that mean? Life.... is life.... It is what it is, right? So, please.... forgive me. Allow me back into the blog world with you all again. I miss you.

Wordful Wednesday

2009-04-29T08:13:00.001-07:00

My beautiful Niece, at Wild Animal Park in California....

Thanks to Angie over at 7 clown circus for wordful Wednesday.... If you'd like to visit her, please click here

Free Customized 5x7 Mother's Day Card

2009-04-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I saw this deal and thought I'd pass it along......

Hallmark offers a Free Customized (paper) 5x7 Mother's Day Card .

Create an account, if you don't already have one.

Choose and customize a card.

Proceed to checkout, enter promo code CARD4MOM.

It will discount the price of the card, plus the postage!

Don't forget to complete your order.

Peer Inspiration

2009-04-24T14:17:00.001-07:00

So, I gave a speech at my weight loss center last night. It's the 2nd time they have asked me and although I was nervous about speaking in public, I felt proud. Proud of my accomplishments, proud of the center, and proud of my family. Below is the speech along with my before and after pictures. Be warned... it's very long!

Peer Inspiration

23 April 2009
Metabolic Research Center, CO

Hi! My name is Denise and I walked through the doors of Metabolic Research Center (MRC) on October 27, 2007 weighing 355lbs. Today I weigh 170lbs and have lost 185lbs. I am completing my final week of stabilization and am heading into maintenance. Thank you all for being here today, and celebrating this journey with me! I have my life back and I look forward to seeing you all achieve your goals as well.

The thoughts and experiences I’m about to share with you today are very close to my heart. Although I have shared them publicly before, they are still very raw. They aren’t my exercise routine, or my food choices, or how much water I drink. These are the issues at my core. They are the issues that I have had with food my entire life and the reasons that I am standing before you here today. I don’t have all of the answers but I hope to be able to give you some insight on what has helped me along the way.

I had a normal childhood. I was born and raised in California so I spent a lot of time outdoors. I was on the swim team. I played soccer. I spent a lot of time at the beach and we did a lot of outdoor activities…. My parents fed us healthy foods. We had fresh homemade whole grain breads, fresh veggies from our garden, natural peanut butter, all of it….

So, one of the questions I have often asked myself through all of this is how did I get to be obese? I realize now, that there have been several contributors and I’ve been lucky enough to work through many of them. Today, I’ll share just a few… I had horrible self esteem; I had negative self talk. I was extremely shy and I was often scared. When I say scared, I can’t say I was necessarily scared of my parents (I believe we all have moments of being scared of our parents)… but I was scared of a lot of things. I was scared of fitting in, of not fitting in, scared of talking, and when I did venture out of my comfort zone to talk, I was scared of saying the wrong thing. I was terrified of dying….. Basically, I was scared of everything. Oh….and, I stuck out… I was tall. I was the tallest girl in school. So, I took being the tallest as being the biggest which was very scary to me. I was the “biggest”. I just remember feeling really, really BIG. This kind of negative self talk just snowballed through my childhood; into adolescence, and accompanied me into adulthood. And in time, I became what I put out…. I became a person with low self worth, a drug addict, a controlled partner in an abusive relationship and finally…. I became Obese. Obese then became Morbidly Obese.

When my son was born in 2000, I decided it was time for a change. I started a program and did well. I lost quite a bit of weight on the program but I never changed my perception of food. I didn’t attempt to understand my issues around food. My week was spent contemplating what I was going to eat for my “cheat meal” after weigh in. As important as I believed this weight loss was too me, food took priority over it all. I gained it all back within a year (plus some). I’m sure several of you can relate to this. I wanted to be smaller, and “less” obese but not as much as I wanted to eat. My priorities weren’t clear at that point. I hadn’t hit my “rock bottom”.

I tried other “diets” along the way, but none with any true success. Then… something amazing happened. I gave up. I threw in the towel. And in doing so, it started me on the journey into discovering the most amazing person I've ever met.... that person, was me. This journey wasn’t for the weak at heart. It was a dark, cold, lonely, and sad place for a very long time…. but on the other side was my life. The life I was destined to lead. The life we all can have if we decide it’s worth the effort.

When I gave up, I saw someone I have never met. I have never been the type of person who shuts down and makes a conscious decision to give up; to quit. However, this time…. I was done; completely over it. I needed to accept my role in the world and embrace it. I was now morbidly obese and that's just the way it was. This was me; all of me. “Love it and leave it”! I would eat what I want, hide out in my room, and publicly put a smile on my face. It would be the new me. I would not continue to compete with food; it could win…. I was too weak. I was just a victim to food. This would be my new outlook.

Unfortunately, the person who couldn't accept this new outlook was me. How was I going to look in the mirror everyday, and see the real me trapped inside and not do everything humanly possible to save her. But for an entire year, that's exactly what I did. And, as I got bigger… my world got smaller. My knees hurt, my migraines became unbearable, my blood pressure was higher than ever. I couldn’t walk more than a block without being completely winded and asthmatic. But even worse than the physical pain, there was the emotional pain. My heart ached. I would lie on my couch or in my bed for hours at a time. I cried constantly. I made excuses when friends would want to meet up (because honestly, who would want me around?) and I refused to be out in public anymore than necessary. I repeatedly asked my husband how he could be with someone that looked like me; I gave him permission to leave me to find someone else, someone that wasn’t so miserable. At times I begged him to go and take my son away to a more “normal life” (by the way I am married to the kindest, most supportive man in the entire world. He would just hug me, and comfort me, wipe my tears and tell me that he wasn’t going anywhere). Finally, I secretly wept and apologized to my son for not being the Mom he deserved to have. The kind of Mom that rode bikes with him, went to the park, took long walks, and played outside with him; the Mom that was ALL HIS. I felt weak, depressed, anxious, lonely, and powerless. This was not the person I used to know. I didn't recognize her and she was not me.

Then, one day it happened. I can’t truly explain to you what did it; it could have been the sadness or the depression. It could have been the support of my family. I think it was everything combined; you know, the whole “being tired or being tired.” It was something big. Something very strong…. And powerful; it was the real me; deep down in my core…. Forcing its way out; fighting. I was finally stepping up and saying “enough is enough”. I was taking my life back. This was not the life I was meant to lead. This was not my destiny. I was not living my authentic life, or being my authentic self. I had allowed those feelings to have power over me for quite some time, but no longer. I felt empowered to take my life back. Above all else, I wanted to reclaim the person inside the body. In that moment, I held her close, and made sure she knew that she was loved. She would always be cared for, and that I would never abuse or neglect her again. I also agreed to forgive myself. I was moving forward; without baggage, or anger. And I would not hold any resentment over the past; only forgiveness and understanding. I would allow myself to learn; to love, to embrace every moment leading up to today and going forward. I would not go through life, not living, anymore. And I had not been living at all. I had merely been existing. And in doing so, I had been doing a disservice to myself and to my family and friends by not being the person I knew I was… inside. That day my world opened up and I began my journey. There was a quote that means so much to me.... it says "I took a vow of non violence and that includes my body". First and foremost, I refuse to do any harm to myself. I am not at war with my body; we are together in this and it can work wonderfully when I treat it with respect.

That same day, I started a list of things I wanted back. Things that I could not have from being the weight I was. My first entry…..

My wedding ring.

This wedding ring is actually the ring my Dad gave my Mom when they got married. This ring is very special. To me, it holds a lot of symbolism. My parents were young; their love was innocent and new. My father was going off to Vietnam, and my Mom was entering womanhood. It was the beginning of everything. It was the beginning of their journey which resulted in the start my journey and my Sister’s journey and in turn, the beginning of our children’s journey. My parents are no longer together, but their path has linked us forever and that ring still holds all of that symbolism for me. So when I was married, it became my wedding band. My husband added a band in the middle to complete our circle; to begin our journey together. This ring, that obviously meant so much to me, didn’t fit. It hadn’t fit in years. This first entry began my list and it was and is still pertinent to my journey. I truly hope that you all have an opportunity to sit down and write your own list. I can’t tell you how much I’ve used this list. It keeps me focused and helps me to keep my priorities straight. When values are clear, decisions are made easy.

I had been looking at a couple of different programs, and had heard great things about a center nearby. Metabolic research center sounded appealing based on the information I had discovered and through feedback I had found from clients posted online. I had also located this great “external” forum for people that attended various MRC center’s that seemed to be a good fit for me. I was ready to go in and see what kind of connection we had. I knew that I would need a connection with the people I would be working with. I really felt strongly that this would be the place for me. I just knew that this center was going to assist me in my journey. When I called, they had an appointment available that evening and by the end of my consultation, I was ready. I weighed in at the center at 355lbs (I didn’t even know my current weight because my scale at home wouldn’t go that high). This was my all time highest weight. There was no question; this was my place. This was the missing link. For me, it was exactly what I needed; one on one consulting, classes, food instruction, weigh-ins, exercise, and so much more. I am an amazing student; just ask any of the consultants ;) I am able to have someone tell me what to eat, how much to eat and I will follow that instruction..... My issue has always been the heart issues and the head issues. I needed to understand why I do what I do and what I can do to change my perception about food. One of the main reasons I chose this program was because of the classes. PLEASE!!! If you haven’t attended the classes, do so. You’ll be so glad you did. It’s hard work but so totally worth it. Sometimes it’s just about sitting quietly and listening, allowing the information to absorb and then processing it later. Other times, you might want to be more interactive. It’s up to you. There’s no pressure. Please, the classes are for you. They are for your success. Use them. I love the classes if you can’t tell. I love this center. I love these people. These “people” are “my” people. They have shared in my highs and lows, in my joys and my sorrows, they are patient and understanding… and they are just as committed to my success as I am. When I walk through those doors, I feel like I’m with family. I know I’m with family.

I began MRC on October 27th. Before Halloween and more importantly, before Halloween candy! For me, this was a great time to start; what’s the point in delaying something that is so very important especially when you have taken a vow to no longer harm yourself! And come on, there can always be a reason to hold off…. But let’s remember, when values are clear, decisions are easy. By the way I should add, Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday.... and it went off without a hitch. I was on plan, and moving forward gracefully. Several holidays, and events followed..... For me, the most powerful and emotional issue that occurred was that my Father in Law (and I don’t even like to call him my Father in Law… he was my Dad. I am lucky enough to have had two Dads) was diagnosed and then passed away from Lung Cancer. He suffered immensely, and we miss him more than I can put into words here today. When he died, we didn’t know how we would continue on without him. Fortunately, we had no regrets. We spent some amazing times together, laughing; lots of laughing. We still hear him and his advice all the time. He was always the best person at kicking us in our butts and getting us back on track. There was no time for pity parties. This man knew of great loss, and sadness, and could have been quite bitter. But he wasn’t. He was strong. He was a fighter. He found out he had cancer one year to the date after he had been given a kidney transplant that he waited 7 years on dialysis for. When we asked him how he felt about his latest hurdle? His response was quick found. It was a classic. “It is what it is” Now remember, this is from my Dad of few (but powerful) words…. Ask my husband and he’ll tell you; I am the complete opposite. I have to dissect everything. So, “it is what it is….” As bad as things are or can be, you move forward. You don’t waste time on things you can’t change. You do what needs to be done, and you fight. It is what it is. You can’t change it. Life happens, death happens, we have to continue. And in relation to our situation here; there can always be an excuse or a reason to take a side road (to misstep); to eat off plan, to feel like giving up…. But what’s the point? Life is constantly happening, no matter how much we try to stop it. It is what it is. So we move forward, and move on. I could have used any or all of those life events as a reason to misstep, but I had a choice and my choice was clear. "I took a vow of non violence, and that includes my body". I also had my list.... and let’s never forget the "list". I had now named it my "freedom list" and it was growing by the day. Growing my the minute! Sometimes even by the second. It was full of all of the wonderful things I would get back (my freedoms) as I lost weight. So, when someone would say "Would you like a piece of cake"?

I would think of my list..... Here's how it went....

“Hey Denise, we’re having cake over here…. Come grab a piece”

Cake?
or
Riding a bike with my son?

That decision was so easy to make..... It was almost ridiculous to even think about.

Cake or my son? Seriously, that was a no-brainer.

Sometimes there wasn’t any physical temptation in front of me…. Sometimes it was just me and my thoughts….. wondering if I could continue? Could I handle it? So, then out came the list. And, then I would realize that I absolutely could do it. I was strong and powerful. There was no question.

Now I don’t want you to think I am just the almighty woman; hear me roar… I also have a great team behind me. I have the most amazing support system. My husband and son are just beautiful. They have always been my foundation. I can have a bad day or feel weak, and they hold me up. They tell me how strong I am and motivate me in the most wonderful ways. I hope to return that gift to them. Someday, I know I will.

This is my husband. He is amazing. He’s my best friend. He is my heart and soul and the one person that knows me better than anyone else. I have been blessed to have this man with me on my journey. I’d like to spend a little more time telling you about my husband…. and his heart. It’s his most attractive quality. Within that lovely heart of his;
He is kind and gentle, sincere and caring, non judgmental and sweet; SO, SO sweet. He wakes up at 1am to take the dogs and my son to the bathroom. He goes out on snow mornings and cleans off my car (and warms it up) so I can drive in comfort. He cooks my meat for me, just because it grosses me out and that way I don't have to deal with it. He's the best snuggler ever and he rubs my back when I can't sleep. He listens to me ramble with a kind face and gives a gentle laugh when I catch myself. He has driven over 60 miles to pick me up from work because I didn't feel well; this man and his heart. He buys me flowers for no special occasion... just because. He laughs at my jokes, even when I can't get them right (and most of the time can't remember them). He completes my sentences and knows exactly what I'm thinking. He adores me and is my very best friend. He is the closest I've met to perfect, and I can't breathe quite right when I think that we are together in this experience of life; this man and his big, full, wonderful heart. He has a way of talking to me that just calms me. He helps me rationalize things (and for me, that can sometimes be a struggle). After our Dad passed away, we were coming home from Ohio and I was tired, emotionally and physically; and when I get tired I lose a lot of my fight. While we were there, I had made it through every kind of temptation possible. I had been strong, and made it through all 9 days. We were home free, driving back to Colorado but I couldn’t do it anymore. Each time we stopped on the way home, I would want something… one time it was French Fries, then Mozzarella Sticks…. It went on and on. I wanted to feed my sadness. Each time, my loving husband would say the most supportive thing. He would say… “When we get home, if you REALLY want “it”, you can have it”. And so, when we got home, something magical happened. I didn’t want any of that “stuff” anymore. I was back in my own routine and I was just fine. He is my best friend, and as I said before the person who knows me better than anyone; often times, better than I know myself. I came away from that experience realizing that if you truly want something (food, clothes, etc) badly enough, you are willing to wait for it.

This is my Son. If you’ve been in on Saturday or come to the cooking classes, you’ve probably seen him. My son is the love of my life….. I can’t even begin to tell you all of the things he does that make me smile. He drives me crazy sometimes too, but that’s just par for the course. I never knew just how much I could love someone until I held him in my arms. Our bond is unbreakable; it’s a forever connection. He is kind and gentle, like his Dad; determined and strong willed like me, and just amazing. He is sincere and supportive, generous and compassionate, captivating and hysterical, adorable and delightful, talented and confident, thoughtful and sweet. Most of all he is lovable and loved. I am so proud to be this little mans mom and I can’t wait to see what an amazing man he becomes. He is already so much more than I could have ever asked for. When I would get home from the center, he would always ask how much weight I lost and give me high fives and sometimes he would even add a special success dance in there for me. That’s just part of it though…. He is Eight now and although he understands pounds lost, that was always irrelevant to him(except of course, when I lost 60 lbs then 120 lbs, then 180lbs because then I could say I had lost 1 of him, then 2, now 3). But really, what matters to him the most are hugs….. big bear hugs. And before we started this whole process, my son would of course hug me but his hands didn’t touch…. So, he started measuring my loss by how close his fingers were when he hugged me. After each hug he would say “Momma, you are losing a lot”! Now, his hands overlap and it’s very exciting. I love getting those measurements.

I've gone through every emotion there is. There is a finding the connections class surrounding grief and it really held true for me. This experience has been loaded with self discovery, and where I normally would take these emotions and feed them… I consciously decided that this time, when each emotion came up, I would really take a look at it. I would take the steps (the really powerful steps) needed to overcome my issues with food. These emotions changed at different levels of weight loss. Sometimes the emotions would pop up and seem to overwhelm me.... Other times, they just would flow in and out like the tide. In the beginning, I was really inquisitive. I needed to know so desperately why? What shaped my behaviors as a child? What created my control issues with food? When did my self image change? Was I born with a negative self image or was it learned? Was it influenced by my parents? Or was it society? Could it have been influenced by my peers? Maybe it had all been in my head? I’m sure my parents loved the random phone calls with the even more “random” questions (or so they thought) that would come up. But, even they were ready to share and it was good. Later I became very angry with myself. I didn’t understand how I could let myself get to this point. How could anyone have gotten so out of control? Why didn’t I stop myself at 200lbs? or at 250lbs? Why not 300lbs? or 350lbs? Why had I just kept going when I knew it was such an issue? The anger (or guilt) didn’t last long because I realized it didn’t serve any purpose. It is what it is. It was time to move forward and jump out of the circle of blame. It didn’t matter. I remember when I came to the hope and acceptance phase. It was so much calmer; so much easier. I just felt like I had arrived. There are so many classes that just worked so well for me; I was relieved and thankful to have them here at all of these different moments because it really helped me to understand my feelings, and put a name to it all. It also helped when it came to understanding my old, self destructive behavior. I was able to really evaluate these feelings in a safe, friendly environment. And when I felt like I needed to talk about things, the consultants were there. They were a neutral party, and could provide a sounding board when I needed it. I could and still can talk to them about anything. I’m still discovering things about myself and what got me here. It’s such an amazing process. One of my latest discoveries has played a large part in my success. I’m still very excited about it! I had seen a special on addiction and they were talking about the pyramid of addiction. The explanation was that if you don’t deal with your initial addiction (and in turn what drove you to that addiction originally) then you will ascend the pyramid. You’ll just swap one addiction for another. So, I had this realization and of course then, had to talk about it in Behavior Mod because hello; that’s what I do! Anyway, when I was 20, I left home and moved away because I was a drug addict. I had (and still have) this wonderful best friend who had come home with her Air Force husband to visit and invited me to move to Ohio with them. I was in an abusive relationship, likely heading for jail or the morgue, and heavily addicted so, I went. It worked or so I thought. I quit cold turkey. I decided to stay in Ohio, and start my new life. I smoke and drank a lot. I went out nightly. I met my husband and eventually, I ate a lot. Guess what? I traded one addiction for another. The difference with me was that I started in the middle of the pyramid and yet, managed to touch on all three corners. In my eyes, all addiction is equal. It’s all self destructive and non productive. So, here I am. I’m an addict. I’m dealing with issues from a lifetime ago in order to not trade one addiction for another.

I will always be an addict and that will never change. But what I realized is how much I’ve learned from all of these things…and when you’re perfect, you don’t learn a thing. It’s ok to slip, or make a wrong turn. It’s what you do with it that matters. Did you learn from it? I’d like to share an analogy with you. Picture yourself driving down the freeway heading home to the ones you love. You can’t wait to get there. You miss the exit. What do you do? Do you continue to drive on, screaming and yelling at yourself, never to arrive at your destination…? Never again to see the ones you love? Or, do you acknowledge the error, get off on the next exit and make the correction? I choose to make the U turn. If I never made mistakes, I would not be the person standing before you. From the negative self talk of my childhood, to the addiction, to meeting the most amazing man ever, to having my son…. Not one of these things could have happened without the other. And you know what? I don’t have my mind figured out quite yet. I am a work in progress and always will be. But isn't that the most amazing part of being a human being? We are always learning, and growing.

As of today, I have lost 185lbs and look forward to living. I have lost over ½ of the weight I started at. My freedom list is still growing day by day. I had my wedding re-sized from a 9 ½ to a 6 a few months ago so that I could wear it without it falling off. Through this journey, I have met many beautiful new friends. I have grown in ways I could never have imagined. And I have had the pleasure of meeting the most incredible person. She is loving, kind, and caring. She is strong, determined, and intelligent.... She is amazing and I am that woman.

The Rules for Being Human

2009-04-24T07:07:00.000-07:00

1. You will receive a body

2. You will learn lessons

3. There are no mistakes

4. A lesson is repeated until learned

5. Learning lessons does not end

6. "There" is no better than "here"

7. Others are merely mirrors of you

8. What you make of life is up to you

9. The answers to life's questions lie inside of you

10. You will forget all of this

What rule for being human would you add?

Wordful/less Wednesday

2009-04-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

Two of my favorite things....

The beach in California and my beautiful son.

MIA

2009-04-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry I've been missing in action for so long. I have been extremely busy at work (there are many layoffs and more pending), and then we (my son and I) went to California for Spring Break. It was a wonderful trip. I was so happy to be back home and visit my family and friends. It was just great. I'm ready to go home. It may be a while, but we'll see if we can't figure out a way to get there.

Below are pictures of me, my Son, my Nieces and my Dad.... great time!

Let it Snow - Colorado Blizzard '09

2009-03-27T06:04:00.001-07:00

Not Me! Monday.

2009-03-09T07:20:00.001-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I DID NOT have parent teacher conferences last week, and found myself loving that the teacher said that the kid was the most intelligent child in her class this year and in several years, but when she said he is very social was somewhat understanding as at work, I tend to be the one that everyone likes to chat with... how is that our issue? Ok, we are NOT social butterflies who need to clip our wings a bit. I also DID NOT realize that he needs to be more challenged at home and at school but really would rather he just chill out for awhile as Momma is in need of less challenging from him lately.

I DID NOT get to pick up my wedding rings on Monday, sized down from a 9 1/2 to a 6! They were NOT totally beautiful, and my husband DID NOT ask me to marry him all over again and put the rings on my finger. I DO NOT have the most amazing husband in the world.

I DID NOT invite the neighbor kid with us on Saturday to go to the thrift store, thinking that the kid might not be soooo quick to want to leave once we got there and I could possibly just marvel in all of the great deals. I DID NOT realize that they would both be ready to go in approx 10 minutes and after 30 minutes my son would actually NOT start crying because he couldn't believe how I could take soooo long. HE may actually NOT be my son at all. I know I physically gave birth to him, but he was removed from my room for a short period of time.... I know that they put those cute matching hospital bands on.... I know that he carries many of my (and the husbands) characteristics however.... I have questions here.

I DID NOT tell the husband that he could totally go hang out with the boys at BW3 and watch the UFC fights then when he decided to stay home, get kind of bummed out because I was hoping for some alone time to watch my shows, or scrapbook, or just stare at the wall.... maybe next time.

I DID NOT make monkey bread, and really f'ing hot salsa with the kid (totally don't go together and I have no idea why we would make the monkey bread and then decide to make salsa, but I think Amiri had so much fun in the kitchen we just kept going). I DID NOT totally let him wear his "baker in training" apron and chef hat, and act like a total dork.... just because he really is my son and therefore totally me.

I DID NOT ask my husband if "if I wake up at 4:30am tomorrow morning, I'm REALLY waking up at 3:30am right?" to which he DID NOT respond..... "again? how many years have you done this?" to which I DID NOT respond...."I just want to be sure that I am aware of how totally screwed I'm getting in this deal and by the way..... jerk" He is totally NOT funny and does NOT make me laugh every day. That little jerk.

I DID NOT wake up at 4:30am (really 3:30am) to a dream in which my son was totally jamming out at a southern baptist church where his Grandmother was in the choir (ok, let me just inform you.... we haven't been to my MIL's church and she is not on the choir), and he was dancing like crazy and I couldn't stop laughing hysterically. All I kept thinking in the dream was that even though he was into it, he was going to get in trouble.... or I was going to get in trouble for enjoying it too much. I DID NOT then wake up and start tell the husband about it (of course, I DID NOT wake him up to enjoy the time change with me), then he let me know that his stepmother (not the MIL from the dream) had just gotten saved the day before to which my son DID NOT walk into the room and exclaim "GRANDMA GOT SAVED? FROM WHAT?" Shall I remind you again that this is 4:30 (3:30) and I am really the only one that is required to be awake right now? I then DID NOT have to explain what being saved means, to which he asked is it like if you found jesus, then found buddha, then found jesus? This conversation will need to go on when I am more awake I think.... anyway I DID NOT just let him know since he hasn't lost Jesus, he's good. He seemed pretty happy with that because he let out a big "wheeew" and then went back to bed.

I HAVE NOT had a really weird morning.

Not Me! Monday.

2009-03-02T08:08:00.001-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did NOT get up on Saturday, wash my face and throw on my sweats.... with the goal of running into my weight loss center for a quick check in only to NOT find the center preparing for our (and my) stabilization celebration (yes, because we made it to our goals) and was NOT totally in shock at the screams of "CONGRATULATIONS" "WHOA" "WAY TO GO" and the champagne popper thingy's going off when I walked in the door. Not at all! I did NOT then excuse myself to run back home, change and apply makeup quickly, grab the kid, and fly on back to the center to properly NOT thoroughly enjoy the party! I did NOT re-enter the room shouting "WHOA!!!! Where's the PARTY!!!!" like I'd not just been there 20 minutes before and the room did NOT break into full blown laughter at me because I'm just silly that way... I did NOT thoroughly embarrass my kiddo by offering him some fake champagne in a champagne glass, asking him if we should partake in the festivities and "get our party on" then tell him he might need to drive home if I had a little too much. He did NOT just shake his head and wonder if I'd ever grow up. Geez, Mom's.... I'll tell ya. We DID not celebrate each and every weight loss goal, from 15lbs to 178lbs (mine!) with the same jubilation and excitement. We did NOT give each other the best hugs at the end and release balloons into the sky to represent the things we have chosen to let go of along this journey. I did NOT offer the suggestion to my son that he let his bad attitude go with one of the balloons, and he did NOT suggest the same of me.

We did NOT laugh our butts off for the whole day because we are too much alike.

I did NOT have yet another wonderful weekend, even though the husband and I have colds because bad attitudes and feeling crappy are only for when you're at work!

Wordless/ful Wednesday

2009-02-25T07:14:00.000-08:00

My son.... deep in thought. Or is he? He could just be eyeing some candy, or contemplating his next evil move. But who cares. Look at that little angel of mine. I fall in love all over again, every single time I look in those eyes.

Button me up, Coraline

2009-02-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

So, have any of you seen that great new movie Coraline?

It's the whole "be careful what you wish for" kind of movie.

Little girl finds a secret door in her house, to discover an "alternate" version of her current life. Everything in this alternate life, is just soooo much better.

Until.

You know how the story goes. Nothing is ever how it seems.

Her new "better" parents decide they want to keep her forever. And it's up to her to get herself back home.

Well, if you've seen the previews the imposter parents have buttons for eyes.... CREEPY! And just up my alley!!

So, of course I was alerted through my creepy connections of a cool site that allows you to upload your own photo into a great "Coralinesque" self portrait with wonderful shiny, button eyes!

I've joined Coraline in her parallel world along with my son.... will you?

I'll see you on the other side!

Button Your Eyes

Not Me! Monday.

2009-02-23T08:45:00.001-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I most certainly did NOT take a nap on Saturday and again on Sunday.... just because.... and no, I did NOT enjoy EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of it....lol)

TJ and I did NOT watch old black and white movies in bed on Saturday night with the dogs and the boys all snuggled up with us. Nope.

I did NOT spill the beans to Amiri that we are planning two trips; I did not ask him if he'd like to go to California with me on a little spring break, break.... and then go to the timeshare in Arizona in the summer. I did NOT watch him spaz out, knowing that now that he's been let in on the secret... he will have no concentration for the next month until the first trip (awful huh? we usually don't tell him about trips until like a week before because he gets so excited)

I did NOT have just the most relaxing, calm, lovely weekend with my family.... Not in the least.

Aloha Friday!

2009-02-20T12:14:00.000-08:00

In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that everyone takes it easy and looks forward to the weekend. So Kailani over at island life thought that on Fridays she would take it easy on posting, too. It's all the rage..... So, here's the breakdown.... I ask a simple question and you post a comment with your answer. It's the island way. Head on over to her blog and check out the other participants in Aloha Friday!

What was your greatest accomplishment in 2008?

I'll start. In late Oct 2007, I decided enough was enough and it was time for me to take my life back. So, for the year of rest of 2007, and through 2008 I worked on me and my weight. I'm at my goal, and have lost 177 lbs now meaning that I currently weigh 1/2 of what I started at (I started at 354lbs... and I'm 5'11"). If you want to read more about it.... here is a speech I gave that gives more detail.

But... that was my greatest accomplishment. Falling in love with myself!

A Thousand Word Thursday

2009-02-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

Our family is great a Wii Bowling.... especially from the chair! This is my husband, at our neighbors house on New Years Eve.... fitness is not the goal here..... we are SOOO lazy!

Writers Workshop

2009-02-18T18:53:00.000-08:00

The Prompts:

1.) If you were starring on American Idol TONIGHT and HAD to sing, what song would you choose and why.

Oh gosh, I would never be starring on American Idol.... wouldn't happen. I couldn't even make it to the auditions; you know... with the "bad" singers! But, a song.... hmmm. I lOVE "a change is gonna come" by Sam Cooke. So, I thoroughly enjoy butchering that one whenever given the opportunity... in the privacy of my home of course!

2.) Take a picture of yourself right this minute without primping and explain to us why it is you have not washed your hair today.

Ok, so here I am. I didn't wash my hair but since it was straight (it's naturally curly), I didn't need to so... lucky me! I worked from home today because I was the lucky winner of a trip to the Dr for a colposcopy because of a abnormal pap. WhOa! It was joyous, let me tell you. This was my first one, and I'm not looking forward to doing it again soon. Anyway, this is me.... before my appointment; when life was "less crampy"! lol.

3.) I just asked Pat to help me with a writing prompt so here's his: "What do you think about the NBA All Star game"...blech.

Ummm, yikes. I didn't watch it. I did however watch the slam dunk contest because I think that's pretty damn cool to see. I like that it's fun, and no stress and my husband isn't cussing at the tv while it's going on. Plus the kid thinks it's cool, therefore... I think it's cool. I'm just a follower.

4.) What's your number one pet peeve? Develop a punishment for anyone caught in the act.

I can't tell you my number one pet peeve; they change often. I do have issues however with people that say "couple, three". Like "So, a couple three years ago...." It's not a big deal, it just always makes me translate in my head "So, six years ago...." Where does it come from? Can't you just say "a few years ago"? I'm just confused..... I have no punishment, I just want to understand. lol

5.) Write about something mean you did to a sibling growing up.

I'm sorry Sis. But, I still hear about it from you all the time, so sometimes I'm not that sorry.... cuz' I'm kind of over it really. I'm just like "seriously? we were like tiny kids and you just weren't that bright to fall for it". Moving on to my confession.... When we were little we had one of those spring rocking horses. We loved it. We played and played and played on it. But here's the thing. I couldn't figure out (while I was jumping and rocking away) exactly which springs caused the horse to rock and move. It puzzled me often. So, I asked if my lovely little sister would put her finger between one set of springs so we could figure it out. Of course, I had to promise not to jump. Ummmm. So.... I jumped. Guess what? It was that spring that made the horse move. Actually, it was all of the springs. Ummmm. Since I'm sharing. Her finger nail eventually fell off. It grew back though. And, I got in a ton of trouble. For the 18,000 time.... I am sorry. Really. But.... We had to determine how it worked. Didn't we?

Wordful/less Wednesday

2009-02-18T18:40:00.000-08:00

I present to you, my wonderful Tulips from Valentine's Day. From my wonderful family.

Not Me! Monday!

2009-02-16T07:05:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did not call my husband when I got to work at 6:45am and wake him up only because he and my son are off of school and work today for Presidents Day and I was not feeling the least bit jealous. I would never do something so immature; NEVER. ;)

I did not get the most beautiful tulips delivered to me at work from my husband and my son with the following message for Valentine's Day:

We love you soooo much!! You give us sooo much support and love!! (And without YOU, we'd probably kill each other)! ;)

P.S: We've got hugs and Kisses waiting for you at home!!

Love, The Worlds BIGGEST Momma's Boy and Bouja (my husbands nickname)

I did not become overjoyed with this letter because he is the worlds biggest Momma's boy and better not ever ever grow up!

I did not book our vacation to our timeshare in Arizona this weekend for the last week in May/first week in June. I did not get super super excited because we really need a vacation together after our last year of family loss and grief.

I did not laugh when my son was talking in his sleep and called whomever he was speaking to an asshole. I did not try to get him to tell who this said person was, hoping it wasn't me but thinking.... it just may have been!

I did not promise my son that I would only run in and out of the thrift store on Saturday, then proceed to not spend an hour crusin' the aisles.

I did not totally neglect my blog this last week because I was busy with work projects and still attempting to spend more quality time with family when I get home. It did not totally bother me that my work is getting in the way of my blog friends!

Have a wonderful day!

Not Me! Monday!

2009-02-09T07:15:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by the fabulous MckMama. If you'd like to participate, feel free to head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have "not" been doing this week.

I did not bribe my son with one of the candy bars I bought my husband, just for some peace and quiet.

I did not bath the puppy in the sink with the other two dogs looking at me like I was about to cook said puppy for dinner. Puppy did not procede to run around the house like he was chasing rabbits for the next two hours. Why do dogs do this after baths? Is it like air drying?

My husband and I did not spend an hour last night attempting to figure out why every morning and every evening there is strange condensation on the walk up to the front door, only to discover it's from the ice melt that we put out over 1 week ago. We did not in this hour, run ever faucet in the house attempting to duplicate the "issue". I am not thanking my neighbor Melanie for offering up the "ice melt" theory. Why has this never happened before? Soooo weird.

I did not contemplate trading in my current vehicle because of a loose ignition switch that cost less than $100 to fix. I did not really want a xterra or a bug and was dreaming that this would be my way out of the envoy. So close....

I did not stay off of my computer for over 24 hours this weekend in an attempt to get some "real" work done at home and allow my family to have some time with just me.... and not me and my laptop.

I did not wonder in those 24 hours what my bloggy neighbors were up to and hope they all had a great weekend!

Tara and the car

2009-02-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

Oh Mama Kat and your writer's workshop prompts.... just pull things out that have been sitting in safe keeping for years, untouched. Then, you ask a question and it sprouts wings and we are off reliving them all over again.

Tell us about a lie you later regretted.

When I was twenty, I moved away from warm and sunny, beautiful Southern California. I had made a big decision that the life I was leading was not the best.... ok, it was destructive and I probably wouldn't be here typing this to you now if I had not left. My best friend, Mon and her husband (who I also grew up with) Cha, had come home on a visit from Ohio (he was in the Air Force and recently stationed at Wright Patt). They saw my life unwinding into full tilt chaos and asked if I would like to come back with them. I saw it as a great little adventure, some time away to clear my head. I said yes. So, away we went.

I lived with them a short amount of time, until the couch got a little too lumpy and the company a little to cramped..... then moved into a tiny (and I mean TINY) room in a house - I know this isn't about me and that room, but oh my gosh.... I have pics somewhere and I WILL find them... but it was a converted side porch that could only fit a chair; and when I say chair, I mean a dinner table chair, a bed that was the width of a toddler bed but longer (what are those called), a nightstand behind my head and a wardrobe closet in the corner. That was it. There was no other room for anything else. Oh, this house is a whole 'nother story in itself! I had a job at a music store, which just happened to be 1/2 block from my house and life was good. Life was as good as it could be I should say, when you don't have a car. I couldn't even afford the gas if I did have a car so it was probably good that I didn't have one. I survived on eggs, and rice with my 'extra money'. I should explain, that there were priorities. I had no phone, no tv, etc... so the priorities went like this.... rent, beer/liquor/cigarettes, food. I was always broke but it was so much fun. Now, everyone at this music store was great. We were all friends, and hung out every night. We had a blast. We were young and out of control. Here's the difference between me, and "them".... They all lived at home, with their parents. They all had cars. So, when they were at work, they would allow me to borrow their cars to do my grocery shopping, or laundry, go buy their dinners while they were at work, etc... It was a great deal. We were like a little family there and it just all worked out well. Tara and I were best friends (at work). She was a Air Force "brat" and lived on base in one of those nice houses officers live in. Her family was all from Texas, and they definitely had southern charm. They were very kind and very sweet to me. I'm sure they thought I was a bad influence on Tara because I lived on my own and liked to party (so did she) but they never let on. On night, I had finished my grocery shopping and was on my way back to my house, then heading over to pick Tara up from work. I was driving along, minding my own business and I heard this SMACK! Let's try this again.... SMACK! I couldn't figure out what the heck had happened, until I went to look in the side mirror (passenger side) and... IT WAS GONE. I had hit - with the side mirror - one of those big orange traffic cones that are weighted down with sand - going 40 mph. I killed that mirror. It wasn't shattered, it was gone. It was no more, no mas', nient'altro, nao mais. Just gone. There was no fixing this. My thoughts at this point were "shit, shit, shit, shit, shit". Oh, did I mention that she had only had this car about 2 months at this point? Ummm, yeah. Ok, back to my thoughts "shit, shit, shit, what am I gonna do, shit, shit, shit". I went home, unloaded my groceries and called my best best friend, Mon. She would have a solution. She knew I was ass broke and couldn't fix this. She would help me fix this. She had no answers. Honestly, I can't remember what she even said; that's how helpful it was to me and my situation. I'm sure that it was something morally ethical and correct. She was and is moral and ethical. However, she wasn't me, and I was freaking the heck out. So, the lie came. I drove over to pick Tara up from work and explained the series of events that caused there to be an apparent missing side mirror. I went in to shop, and when I came out.... the mirror was gone! Someone must have hit it in the parking lot; you know how crazy people get driving through there. And I didn't notice until I started driving away but my gosh, can you believe it? Yes. She did. She believed me. And I felt like dirt. I felt like a dead worm, under the dirt. I lied, but I didn't know what else to do. I was barely making it as it was, and now? Replace a side mirror? I didn't even know how much that would cost. I couldn't chance it. So, that's how it went. Her Dad was mad but how could they blame me? I wasn't even there when it happened. And so, we continued on. Her mirror got replaced, we continued to go out, then slowly.... snail slowly.... our friendship faded away. I know these things sometimes happen. It's life. She was going to college, had met new friends, things change. That probably wasn't what bothered me the most though. My confidant, my best friend.... Mon. We shared everything with each other. But now, she started to fade away. She stopped returning my calls, stopped taking my calls (was conveniently never home), then they moved back to California. Gone. Left. No goodbyes. I was without my best friend. The best friend I had since 7th grade. She and I were gone. Like that mirror. Just gone. Shattered. I was confused and lost, but moved on. I had lots of friends, and those two were no longer around so off I went. I talked to Tara months after our friendship had ended, just out of the blue. She told me that Mon and her had become close friends and that Mon had told her what had really happened with the car. I tried to explain where I was at during that time, but she didn't want to hear it. She just wanted me to know, that she knew. Done. I wished her luck in life, and left it at that. But I still missed my best friend. A year later (when I was 24) Mon called me from California. Just like Tara, but so different. With love, and happiness. With forgiveness and understanding. She was pregnant with her first baby. She and I talked. It was like we had never been apart. I went home to visit her. And that baby? I'm that baby's Godmother. Mon and I are still best friends. But I almost lost her. All over a car, a mirror, and a bad decision.

Wonderful Mom Award!

2009-02-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

I have met so many lovely bloggy friends here... and I treasure them all. I consider them my "neighbors" because I share my life with them, just as I would my own physical neighbors. So, when I get an award from one of them, it's just like getting a big hug. Today, I got an award from my neighbor, Freeul. Thank you, my friend. I'm honored and appreciate it so much. I'm sending you a huge hug.

This award originally was started by "Wibeche" from Norway.

"This is an award for being a wonderful Mom. You do fantastic work. Be proud of your accomplishments."

I in turn, would like to pass this lovely award on to some of my favorite neighbors. Since I can't pass it back to you Freeul, I'll get you on the next one!

Here we go.....

To my bloggy Moms/Friends/Neighbors:

Diane @ Dianes Addled Ramblings

Doot @ A Nut in a Nutshell

Sandra @ An Italian Mama Gone Crazy

Jennifer @ Rundpinne

Diane @ Good Mourning, Glory!

Deb @ Dirty Socks and Pizza

Melanie @ The Smith Family

And please know, this award is for every one of you beautiful and caring Mom's out there in my bloggy neighborhood. This list could go on and on..... so if you're here, and you're a Mom? This award is also for you (even if you're not specifically listed) because.... YOU are a wonderful MOM!

Wordful Wednesday

2009-02-04T09:24:00.000-08:00

Do you know the story of "Flat Stanley"? This poor guy was a normal kid, who woke up one day... FLAT! Apparently, he was crushed by a bulletin board. Can you believe it? He's good though, and begins to realize all the great things he can do by being flat.... slide under doors, saves his Mom's ring by dropping through a metal grating to retrieve it and, the coolest part.... travel is CHEAP! He can fit comfortably into an envelope and travel anywhere.

Well, my son read this wonderful book in school and his class sent flat stanleys of themselves to relatives last month. My profile-challenged kid went to California to visit his Auntie, Cousins and Grandma.

The other day, we received this envelope from California and I of course thought it was my son, coming home but it wasn't. It was my neice, Flat Ke-Ke coming to visit us! So far, she has been visiting with my dogs, played on the trampoline and in the snow, watched the superbowl (in 3D) and now, she's at work with me.

She's having fun.... I think. Well, ummm.... ok.... I'm having fun!

Thanks to Angie over at 7 clown circus for wordful Wednesday.... If you'd like to visit her, please click here!

Not Me Monday!

2009-02-02T16:56:00.000-08:00

I did not make it to my weight loss goal of 170lbs lost and surpass it (171lbs lost), with a month left on my "program"!

I have not decided to continue on to lose until the 26th of Feb for a final goal weight of "wherever the scale takes me".

I am not, right this second just 6lbs from being able to say "I am 1/2 of my previous self" at 177lbs.

My Dr did not say, that for my height (5'11") that she did not want me to weigh less than 170 because for me, that wouldn't be healthy. WHAT? A Dr just (did not) make a suggestion that I may be the perfect weight? No need to lose anymore? Wait.... Not that I need to be on a diet? Seriously... she did not say that. Did she?

I am NOT totally thrilled with where this journey has taken me over the last 14 months! I have not learned who I really am, what I'm truly capable of (without surgery or special diet foods), and how really really strong I've become throughout my life. Nope, not at all. ;)

First there is a mountain than there is no mountain, than there is

2009-01-31T18:36:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Fiona Whitt

Oct 11, 2006 - Jan 30, 2009

Tuesday was diagnosed with cancer in July of 2008 and as one of their family friends said, she was a strong little bird.... Her family held her tightly in their warm hands until the very end. Please go visit Jessica's blog and share your kind words. I know they could use it right now.

Baby Trivia

2009-01-30T14:43:00.000-08:00

I was visiting my neighbor, doot and she had this cute little questionaire. Just copy, paste and answer away. Let me know that you've done it so I come visit you!

First Baby Questions:

1. Were you married at the time? Yes

2. What were your reactions when you found out you were pregnant? In the first 5 minutes, I was scared and anxious. After that and going forward, I was elated!

3. How old were you? 29 (and I had my son 6 wks before I turned 30)

4.How did you find out? EPT! Then, over the next two days, 6 more pregnancy tests... finally I was convinced at the Dr's office.

5. Who did you tell first? My husband and stepson, who were with me.... well, not in the bathroom, but you get the idea. Then I called my Momma

6. Did you want to find out the sex? I already knew. I knew because I had two amazing dreams about him... but yes, we did "find out" or as I like to say "validate" what I already knew.

7. Due date? Oct 4, 2000

8. Did you deliver late or on time? I delivered 2 days early (Oct 2nd) but if I hadn't, they were going to induce on my due date because I had extremely high blood pressure

9. Did you have morning sickness? No, I had migraines but no nauseau. I did however see my cat throw up two times, and it made me throw up. Think of how funny that must have looked.

10. What did you crave? It changed, but mostly different types of fruit.... Mango, Strawberry, Oranges.... then I would crave Cereal at 1am oh.... and Root Beer.

11. Who/what irritated you the most? The migraines; which I still get.

12. What was your first child's sex? Boy

13. How many pounds did you gain throughout pregnancy? None. I was overweight when I got pregnant, so I wasn't 'allowed' to gain. I actually lost weight, and gave birth weighing less than when I got pregnant.

14. Did you have any complications during pregnancy? Yes, High blood pressure and anemia. I was put on bed rest 1 month before I had him.

15. Where did you give birth? Denver, CO

16. How many hours were you in labor? 24 long hours

17. Who drove you to the hospital? My husband

18. Who watched? My husband and My Mom.

19. Was it natural or c-section? Natural

20. Did you take medication to ease the pain? I had 3 epidurals and none of them 'took'. Then at the very end, the anesthestiologist came in and said how sorry he was, then said he was going to "give you something to make you forget". It was while I was in the middle of delivering my son, like in the last push... I don't remember delivering the placenta, or getting stitched up, or holding my son! I had to have my husband show me the video to prove that I held him! Now I do remember much more but it took a LONG time to get there!!!

21. How much did your child weigh? 8 lb 14 oz.

22. Did your child have any complications? No, he just wanted to sleep, and sleep and sleep!

23. What did you name her? Something really really special.

24. How old is your first born today? He's a crazy 8 right now

Blindsided

2009-01-30T10:56:00.000-08:00

'There is no grief

which time does not

lessen or soften'

Cicero

It's just amazing to me. It REALLY doesn't ever get any easier. What I'm realizing now is that it's sometimes almost harder because as time goes by, things like this happen and you aren't expecting it so you feel blindsided. It happened to my love a couple of weeks ago, and now it's my turn. Maybe he's trying to make sure we don't forget about him. We haven't. We won't. But just in case.....

I'm with my husband at the specialist yesterday, and I'm filling out his paperwork (because hello. that's what I do... or the poor doctors, nurses, etc would never understand what was written).

I'm plugging along and then I see it.

Patients Parents:

Father

Alive?

Deceased?

If Deceased, how?

And, the tears start. Quiet, calm tears.... but tears.

He's gone and we miss him. It's not going to change. I can't bring him back. As my father in law would say, 'it is what it is'.

And it is..... what it is.

I still didn't want to write 'deceased' and 'cancer' next to his name. In no way, shape or sound. I just wanted to skip it, and make it not true.

Unfortunately, it is.... what it is.

I wiped my tears (not before letting one drop right onto the page of course), took a deep breath, looked deep into my husband's eyes (that let me visit my father in law because those eyes are just like his), and began to write.

The Update

2009-01-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

So we went to the specialist yesterday. He looked over all of the previous tests that had been done, and examined TJ. He feels confident that TJ has the Sickle Cell Trait, not the disease but to be sure has ordered some more detailed tests to determine the extent of Sickle Cell as well as determine if he has any additional "defects" (lol). The reason he feels this way, is because TJ has never had any previous issues and he (the Dr) has great knowledge of Sickle Cell studies done with altitude and dehydration (which he believes was the cause behind TJ's "crisis"). The Sickle Cell "crisis" TJ had in the mountains did appear to cause what they call spleenic infarction, which is when a small piece of the spleen dies off from the sickle cells blocking blood flow to the spleen but the Dr said that is a common occurrence during "crisis" and that is not something we need to be concerned with. It only becomes an issue when it continues to happen, then they would remove the spleen altogether. However, the pain TJ is having is because of this and the Dr advised this may take a few weeks to return to normal. The blood work TJ did yesterday will take a couple of week to get the results, then we will be able to say exactly what we are looking at but we are all feeling really good about everything at this point. The difference between having Sickle Cell Trait and Sickle Cell Disease is huge. It means not having to make any drastic lifestyle/environment changes, and our love will continue to be with us for a very long time.

I want to thank everyone here for their support. It's so nice to know that so many people care about our family and please know, I feel the same about yours!

100 Things

2009-01-26T14:26:00.000-08:00

Got this game from freeul who in turn got this from Ryan Ashley Scott over at Optimistic Cynicism. Anyone can play along, just BOLD the things you have done.

1. Started your own blog.

2. Slept under the stars.

3. Played in a band.

4. Visited Hawaii.

5. Watched a meteor shower.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity.

7. Been to Disneyland.

8. Climbed a mountain.

9. Held a praying mantis.

10. Sang a solo.

11. Bungee jumped.

12. Visited Paris.

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.

15. Adopted a child.

16. Had food poisoning.

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.

18. Grown your own vegetables.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.

20. Slept on an overnight train.

21. Had a pillow fight.

22. Hitch hiked.

23. Taken a sick day when you're not sick.

24. Built a snow fort.

25. Held a lamb.

26. Gone skinny dipping.

27. Run a marathon.

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.

29. Seen a total eclipse.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.

31. Hit a home run.

32. Been on a cruise.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.

35. Seen an Amish community.

36. Taught yourself a new language.

37. Had enough money to truly be satisfied.

38. Seen the leaning tower of Pisa in person.

39. Gone rock climbing.

40. Seen Michelangelo's David.

41. Sung karaoke.

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.

44. Visited Africa.

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.

46. Been transported in an ambulance.

47. Had your portrait painted.

48. Gone deep sea fishing.

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.

52. Kissed in the rain.

53. Played in the mud.

54. Gone to a drive-in theater.

55. Been in a movie (I was interviewed for one - a documentary - during the DNC but it hasn't come out yet so we'll see)

56. Visited the Great Wall of China.

57. Started a business.

58. Taken a martial arts class.

59. Visited Russia.

60. Served in a soup kitchen.

61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.

62. Gone whale watching.

63. Gotten flowers for no reason.

64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma.

65. Gone sky diving.

66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp.

67. Bounced a check.

68. Flown in a helicopter.

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.

71. Eaten caviar.

72. Pieced a quilt.

73. Stood in Times Square.

74. Toured the Everglades.

75. Been fired from a job.

76. Seen the changing of the guards in London.

77. Broken a bone.

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.

80. Published a book.

81. Been to the Vatican.

82. Bought a brand new car.

83. Walked in Jerusalem.

84. Had your picture in the paper.

85. Read the entire Bible.

86. Visited the White House.

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.

88. Had Chicken pox.

89. Saved someone's life.

90. Sat on a jury.

91. Met someone famous.

92. Joined a book club.

93. Lost a loved one.

94. Had a baby.

95. Seen the Alamo in person.

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.

97. Been involved in a lawsuit.

98. Owned a cell phone.

99. Been stung by a bee.

100. Read an entire book in one day.

Premios Dardo!

2009-01-26T07:48:00.000-08:00

One of my absolutely very FAVORITE people, Diane at Diane's addled ramblings gave me a wonderful award. This award "acknowledges the values that every blogger shows in his or her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values every day". Isn't that just a wonderful thing to say? Those "things" are what I strive for everyday, and to be recognized for them is so touching. So, thank you... It means a lot. She also said "Denise has an open mind and an open heart... she's someone you just know you'd love to live next door to"! Oh boy, now that's a big one. Think about your neighbors? Sometimes you just get great ones, and then... there are the "others". The ones you check out your window for, before making a break for your mailbox, or car so they can't catch you. I sure don't ever want to be "that" neighbor! So here I ask for some help from my "actual" neighbor.... Melanie? What do you think....? What is it we always say; neighbors by fate, sisters by choice? That pretty much sums it up. We have great neighbors and a great neighborhood (but we do have the 1 neighbor you have to hide from). I talk to a lot of friends who don't have any relationship with their neighbors, so I'm thrilled to be able to consider a neighbor a great friend. We have a blast!

So, move on in Diane; we'll make room! You'd make a wonderful neighbor and we'd love to have you! ; )

This award has made my day. I've got a great big bloggy smile on my face and it CANNOT be removed!

"Get off my mountain"!

2009-01-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

Friday started out perfect enough... we were all packed and ready to go. Everyone was excited about our weekend retreat and our plans; tubing, checking out the snow sculptures, spending time with each other and let's not forget, the outlet mall! So, off we went. It was snowing at Georgetown and continued all the way up. It was snowing, icy and of course people were driving like they had lost their damn minds. But we made it! And it was beautiful.... everything was covered in snow; crisp, clean, and just stunning. TJ (my love) was experiencing some pain, and just thought it was some residual from the stomach flu he had earlier in the week. He had some 7up and we got some late (and I mean late...11pm late) dinner started. Throughout the evening, his pain grew increasingly worse. We tried to sleep but it was impossible; I could have slept just fine if it wasn't for the "ohhhh", "eeeyouch", "owwwww" and "yeowwww" coming from the body lying next to me! ;) My the early early morning, it was decided that this wasn't the normal pain that "people" experience (his description is as follows: "it feels like someone beat the shit out of me all up and down the left side of my body.... from ribs to hips") and we jumped on our "sleds" (ok, our suv) and headed to the closest hospital. Now let me just interject here; if this had been me? I would have been at the hospital at the first twinge of pain but... that's me. I have no tolerance for pain and make no excuse for my "wussiness"; I embrace it! We arrived at the hospital after many, many more "owww's" and after we got my love registered and in a room, he decides this whole issue has got to be nothing more than "really bad gas" (he doesn't want to look like an idiot when they come back and tell him this is the issue so he'll just "throw" it out there). Seriously? Really bad gas? At this point I had to ask what kind of really bad gas has he EVER had, that occurs on one side only and feels like someone has beat you with a baseball bat? He then decided at this point, that it was important that he also mention this to the Dr; I personally feel that he got the same WTF response but in a much kinder, gentler way! The doctor brought up some scenarios.... kidney stones or bacterial infection. Then he asked a strange question (and acknowledged the odd question prior to asking it) "do you have a family history of sickle cell" to which TJ advised maybe? Not that he was aware of but maybe there was a conversation about sickle cell when he was a child. He just couldn't remember. The Dr went on to explain that sometimes (in the mountains, at that elevation) they (hospital in Breckenridge) have experienced African American patients that have never known of a history of sickle cell but come up the mountain and the "trait" is triggered". He then advised, this is likely not the issue but just thought he would ask. A series of tests followed; although his elevated blood sugar (he's also a diabetic but controlled so this was alarming) everything was looking good.... kidneys were fine, urine was fine, ct scan of his belly was fine.... so that left the sickle cell test. It would be back in an hour. Let me break in here and just say, this hospital was beautiful. Great little cafeteria, great sitting area with a fireplace and leather chairs/couches, books and magazines to read (for kids too). It was cozy, if not for the worry and anxiety. So, in the time we needed to wait for the results, we decided (the kid and I) that we would go back to the condo and grab our camera since the hospital was so close to the Breckenridge snow sculptures (if it was going to be much longer, we would head up to see them). We were just getting ready to leave the condo to head back to the hospital when we got "the call"; Sickle Cell Anemia test came back positive, spleen and liver are enlarged. Spleen could rupture if we don't get off the mountain immediately. Ok. Stop. Breath. Ok. Stop. Breath. Ok. Breath. Ok. Ummm. What? The kid and I packed up as quickly as we could, and cleaned up the condo to it's "initial" state and busted ass over to the hospital. The Breckenridge hospital arranged for a transfer to our local hospital, and sent us on our way. It was a tense ride back down the mountain due to the road conditions and my loves condition.... although watching him fade in and out on morphine was kind of interesting (especially since he swears he was just resting his eyes... and the snoring was just)? Although this was a big scare, the process went smoothly. We got my love checked in, back on his morphine drip and relaxing comfortably. He had a wonderful nurse; not to stressful and very kind. She even made sure that we were able to get his dinner before they closed for the evening, and got our Dr in quickly to visit so I could get the kid home to bed. By this afternoon, my love was feeling much much better and was able to be released to his home nurse (that's me, of course). Tomorrow morning, we have to call first thing and make an appointment with the specialist so we can learn more about this new found visitor to our home; apparently it's here to stay so it's time to work out a comfortable living arrangement. So, I must say.... yes, it was very scary but I'm so glad that we were able to find this out the way we did, and as quickly as we did (the Dr's have all explained how lucky he was that we got him to the hospital as fast as we did and that they caught it before it did any real damage to his organs). I love this man more than life and this experience is just that; life. What do they say? Life; It's what happens when you aren't paying attention? Well, I am. I'm paying attention like a son of a.... and I'm holding on to this man.

On a side note, the pictures above are in Breckenridge after we packed up the car and Amiri and I had our own mini breakdowns.... we stopped the car so Amiri (the kid) could run up the side of that hill, see how deep the snowpack was, then jump off. TJ (my love) was safe at the hospital still waiting to get released. We just needed a quick release ourselves.

Focus Friday, Week 3

2009-01-23T11:54:00.000-08:00

Send out my Sister and Stepmom's birthday presents (yes, done! Whoa!)
Find my camera cable (finally found it.... with every other cable I own)
Download my Christmas photos (yes, and made backup cd's too!)
Call the dog sitter and have her over to cover the many quirks of the three amigos (did this... and they just love her. Jordan is going to be wonderful with them)
Get ready to go to the mountains for our weekend getaway (totally ready. Can you believe this? We packed everything up last night after work so when we get home tonight from work, it get's loaded in the truck and off we go! OH YEAH!)

I'm not sure what to add for this week.... hmmmm.

I really want to work on some "me" stuff.

By golly, I've got it!

Study up on my Reiki "skillz". For those who don't know what Reiki is, it's a Japanese technique that is used to promote healing through opening the chakras. I am a Reiki Master/Teacher and practice Reiki when I'm not working my "day job".
Work on my scrapbooking. I won't even begin to pick one to begin on because there are sooo many pictures, themes, etc I could go with. I'll just start with the one that jumps out first!
Play with my camera. I have this great Canon Rebel XSI and I can do a lot with it already, but I really want to become more proficient. That's a good place to start focusing!

Writers Workshop.... a joyous moment

2009-01-22T08:34:00.001-08:00

Mama Kat.... she just never fails to find good prompts for us all to work with. This week was no different. Stop by and visit her if you haven't had the opportunity.

So, this week there were some good prompts but only one REALLY stood out for me;

"other than the birth of a child or your wedding, write about a joyous moment"

You know, every time I look into my sons eyes when he's sleeping I experience pure joy. Every time my husband holds me in his arms, I feel it.

But really, when I get right down to it... right at my core.... what makes me "joyous"?

It's who I am, who I've become. The person that allows me to feel all of the joy of those around me; the joy of family, of friends, of society, and of the earth itself.

So, I choose to speak to when I remember finally feeling joyous about me. The very first time. Growing up I had low self esteem. I thought that external influences were who/what provided validation for who I was and I honestly.... I didn't truly know who I was after all.

When I left home at 20, I thought the only way to be happy and "fulfilled" required that I always have a man around. He would prove my worth and I had to be make him my first priority, not me.

Finally, I decided that I deserved better. It was my action (or inaction) that would determine my self-worth and I was the one in control; no one else.

I became powerful. I became independent. I was even a bit selfish.

Thinking back on it now, what I remember most was just how thrilled I was with being who I was, where I was, and looking forward to my future.

It was when I TRULY became a women.

I came into my own, and boy did I own it!

I stayed up late, hung out with friends, went out when I felt like it, dated (and yes, slept with) who I wanted, called boys back only if I felt like it, and enjoyed life.

I laughed a lot. I danced a lot. It was joyous!

And you know what?

When I finally knew who I was; when I understood what I wanted and needed out of life, LOVE found me. I was open to accepting TRUE and UNCONDITIONAL love and it was right there, just waiting for me.

And that was joyous. Life has been joyous ever since.

Because I am enough.

Happy Inauguration, Mr President.

2009-01-20T10:37:00.000-08:00

view from my office (since DNC)

This has been my first time watching the Inauguration because honestly, I didn't feel like I was part of this process before. This time, I did. I was there. I was involved. I work in Denver, and experienced every day of the DNC. I was able to sit 10 rows back in a 1000 seat auditorium and listen to Obama speak to his (and our) vision with my son, my husband and my mother. I believe in change, and yearn for it. I am ready for the world to experience a new America. So, today I watched this amazing man become our 44th President of the United States with so many others. And, I was so hopeful.

Keith Olbermann put it into words that best explain it (for me): "You've seen those videotapes of Walter Cronkite, the night that man landed on the moon for the first time, when Neil Armstrong stepped out, and he could just barely get out monosyllables. Politically, that's what this is. This is man on the moon."

It is the dawn of a new day. And as he said, it will take all of us. I cannot wait. I'm ready. Are you?

Yes, we can.... and we will.

Martin Luther King, Jr

2009-01-19T17:16:00.000-08:00

I have a dream.

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating: "For Whites Only." We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.
Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.
Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.
Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.
Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.
Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.
Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.
Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Not Me Monday

2009-01-19T01:35:00.000-08:00

Oh boy......

I did not have a continuous dream on Saturday night about a wedding I had to attend as a bridesmaid that appeared to be out of "bridezilla".

I did not allow my son to watch Nanny 911 in order to get ideas on new bad behavior; I swear that this is not something he would study up on or would he say things like... "see Mom, now those kids.... THEY are BAD"!

I did not wash all of the boys clothes only to discover at bedtime, that the hamper was miraculously filled again? These clothes DO NOT resemble the clean clothes I asked him to put away, do they?

I did not allow my son to eat ice cream for dinner because he's been sick and was finally feeling up to playing video games with Dad, and having a little fun. Nope, I'm all about nutrition.... not mint chocolate chip.

I did not attempt to figure out why, I am still wide awake at 2:45am with my husband. I did not decide that we should pretend like we were in our 20's again, and just dating (with no kid asleep upstairs) and laugh hysterically to the point of tears at each other, play video games, then "just chill".

I did not get excited everytime I heard Barack Obama's name today; with the optimism I haven't felt in 8 years (if at all).... knowing that "yes we can" and we will.

Freedom #6, Roller Skating

2009-01-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

Freedom #6, Roller Skating!

This post was originally on another blog (www.3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/namaste) and was published in Nov of 2008; I never moved it over here when I moved my blog so I apologize for the oversight. But.... what a great freedom!

When I was little, I started out my love for roller skating with those metal wheeled skates that went over your tennies. I can still hear the sound of the metal on the asphalt. Thinking back, it would have been faster to have just walked to wherever I was heading then to have skated but I'm sure my parents rationale was that there was no fear of crashing or breaking of bones.... since you could barely move with those clank clank clank, skates.

Finally, it progressed to the "rad" sneaker skates; so cool! The envy of the rink; anyone with those awesome skates will inform you. There was nothing better than hanging your "own" skates by the laces over your shoulder, heading into "your" rink.... ah.... oh.... the rink. "Our rink" was called "ups and downs" and apparently it still exists (in Escondido, CA for those that are interested). My friends, sister and I would get dropped off by our parents..... just to skate for hours on end (likely in jordache jeans with an extra huge "goody" comb in our back pocket)! The music, the lights, the fun.... it was a dream; we didn't have a care in the world! Nothing outside of that rink existed; just us and our fun. We'd do the Hokey Pokey and the Electric Slide. We'd go out during "ladies only" and "all skate" and wonder if anyone would ask us to skate during "couples only".

We skated everywhere inside and outside of the rink.... but that was the time; the late 70's and early 80's. For those of you that were around during those times, I'd love for you to comment on your memories.... the music, the scene, the friends..... it was all so fun!

I couldn't remember the last time I put on a pair of skates. I remember the feeling; the joy and the love of skating.... I just physically couldn't remember when the last time I was on the rink; probably High School. It hadn't been something I really could say I missed until the invitation came.

A skate party. Then, it all rushed back to me.

Last year, my son was invited to a skating party and as I watched him skate around the rink I couldn't help but yearn for that feeling. But the anxiety of getting out there at 354lbs and falling won out over the idea of recapturing that moment.

This year however, being 150lbs lighter.... I was feeling it! I got my skates and my son and out we went. Oh my gosh. Let me just say, yes... I did it. I went out and skated. I went around the rink. I was so scared! I don't ever remember my current feeling; the one in which I didn't have any control of my feet... that memory must have escaped me! It was fun, don't get me wrong.... but at 5'11" the floor looked much further down and much harder then I remember. My son kept asking if I was "good"; could he move on? Ummm.... no! He was not allowed to leave me out there alone with all of those maniac kids trying to cause a collision with me! No way! He even offered to turn around with me so I could go back where I started.... rude! I wasn't doing THAT bad! I was finishing this; I'm no quitter!

When we got back to where we had entered the rink, I was starting to feel a little more comfortable... THEN... on came a voice through the loudspeaker announcing a "skate-race" game.... my newly acquired escape was in motion; you didn't need to tell me twice..... I was SO outta there! I thanked him for sticking with me, gave him a big kiss and told him to enjoy the game.

And off my darling little boy skated, wind in his hair, music in his ears, not a care in the world....
And I was so happy for us both.

What are your memories of roller skating?

Focus Friday, Week 2

2009-01-16T09:43:00.001-08:00

Ok, we are back... Week 2 already? Wow. That went fast... and I did not exactly complete my list! So, better luck next time? Please take a peek over at thrifyandchicmoms blog for more details if you're interested in joining in on this lovely accountibility list!

Update my 2009 calendar with all important dates (so done... sooo sooo done)
Take time each evening to read with the kid before bed (yes, complete and very nice.... although we need to make sure that I remain in a less vertical position during these reading times, as to not make it more of a cuddle/sleep time)!
Purchase birthday cards for the year (done, and I'm so glad because it's such a pain)
Send out my Sister and Stepmom's birthday presents (ok, this isn't done but I still have time... their birthday's aren't until the last few days of the month.... they are going on monday, promise)
Download my Christmas photos (this is totally not my fault.... I went to download the pics from my card and it's not reading them! what the? So, I'm still working on it. I'm just going to attach my camera to the cable - which means locating the cable)

Alrighty then; 3/5 isn't horrible is it? I'm moving on.

Send out my Sister and Stepmom's birthday presents
Find my camera cable
Download my Christmas photos
Call the dog sitter and have her over to cover the many quirks of the three amigos
Get ready to go to the mountains for our weekend getaway (can't wait!!!! Tubing at coppermountain, here we come)

Writers Workshop.... my man.

2009-01-15T12:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, this weeks assignment with Mama Kat

Choose a prompt... I can do this!

The Prompts:

1.) Describe your significant other's most attractive quality (on the inside)

Ahhh, liking this one... so many to choose from

2.) Tell about a time you stole something.

Hmmm, stealing.... notsomuch! Let's clarify... not that I haven't stolen, but that story would be LONG! Oh, and I'd have to pick just one? Can't do it.
3.) Choose a poem you like. Take the last line and use it as the first line of your own poem.

Poems? Unless it's vulgar, I don't think I could do it.

4.) Write about a scary encounter with one of your old professors.

Oh, gosh... the only "scary" encounter I had was when my art professor told me I was "heavy handed" with my charcoal drawing and I just wanted to heavy hand his arse through the door.

So, we begin with the love of my life. My heart and soul. My joy.

There are so many reasons that I love my husband and I know you've requested just one.

BUT just one?

Ok, let's fix this. I can fix this.

Here is the MOST ATTRACTIVE QUALITY.... It's his heart.

Within that lovely heart of his...

He is kind and gentle, sincere and caring, non judgmental and sweet... SO, SO sweet. He wakes up at 1am to take the dogs and the boy to the bathroom. He goes out on snow mornings and cleans off my car (and warms it up) so I can drive in comfort. He cooks my meat for me, just because it grosses me out and that way I don't have to deal with it. He's the best snuggler ever and he rubs my back when I can't sleep. He listens to me ramble with a kind face and a gentle laugh when I catch myself. He has driven over 60 miles to pick me up from work because I didn't feel well; this man and his heart. He buys me flowers for no special occasion... just because. He laughs at my jokes, even when I can't get them right (and most of the time can't remember them). He completes my sentences and knows exactly what I'm thinking.

He adores me and is my very best friend.

He is the closest I've met to perfect, and I can't breath quite right when I think that we are together in this experience of life; this man and his big, full, wonderful heart.

Freedom # 5, Bathroom Stalls

2009-01-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

A little background for all those who haven't read the previous freedoms. In October of 2007, I decided enough was enough and changed my life. I weighed 354lbs and was done. I would not continue to let weight and food rule my life. That day I started a list of things I wanted back, a freedom list. This list would keep my priorities straight while I was on my weight loss journey. I have a notebook full and have been adding them to my blog in efforts to share with others this journey as well (read the previous ones here). As of today, I have lost 165lbs and have 5lbs left to reach my goal. I encourage everyone, regardless of your struggle to start your own "freedom list". If you'd like to read more about my journey, here is a speech I gave at my weight loss center.

Freedom # 5, Bathroom Stalls

Ok, have you ever squeezed into the bathroom stall? At 354lbs, I squeezed into a many! This is how I recall the situation.....

Hold your bladder until the very last second
Make it to the bathroom with seconds to spare
Attempt to adjust body (likely by hiding yourself sideways next to the toilet) enough to grab the swinging stall door, and close it.... safely securing yourself inside
Stradle the toilet and squeeze on down in order to get your whole body on the actual toilet seat
Pray that the paper roll is high enough up so that it doesn't obstruct the small amount of room you do have, cutting into your leg and causing you even more pain
Adjust several times in order to wipe completely
Reverse order, to escape your self-imprisonation in small stall hell
Catch breath

Now, at work I often used to run into the Handicap stall at work to get more space. The issue was that there was/is a person at my office who actually really needs to use that bathroom. She has no other choice. So I thought I had figured out her break/lunch schedule somewhat and would run in when I thought it was less likely to run into her. Once though, I wasn't so lucky. I was in there, and I heard the automatic door open and she came in. I heard the "great, now I have to wait while some completely able person uses my 1 bathroom" sigh. I felt like I was in the "wanna get away" commercials. I came out, and as soon as she saw me (at my 300 plus weight) she smiled and I apologized profusely... making a joke about my size. I think I said sometimes I just need a little extra space. I was mortified. I never used that bathroom again.

Now fortunately (at 165lbs lighter), I don't need to use handicap stalls and can fit in any bathroom stall with ease. However, I believe this is an issue/freedom that many overweight people can relate to. If you can't physically "fit" into a standard stall, should that allow you to have the right to use the handicap stall without guilt? No, you're not "technically" disabled (yet) but being overweight carries with it so many "disabilities" and yet, the difference is.... an overweight person can (I'm not saying there isn't hard work involved) lose weight; these people with disabilities cannot change their situation. It's a struggle for several and such an embarrassing one.

This was one of my top 10 freedoms because it was so constant. Everytime I walked into a public bathroom, there was the anxiety there.

How ridiculous it all seems now but it was very real.

I no longer have to experience small stall hell, and if you have to have this experience.... I feel for you. Please know, you are not alone! But life isn't shouldn't be filled with anxiety about bathroom stalls!

Make a freedom list, and change your life.

The Duke

2009-01-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

Today it has been 1 year since my father in law passed away. A whole year already.

I can't believe it.

I still hear his voice and that crazy laugh, see his toothless little evil smile, and picture that goofy "uga cha cha" dance he used to do through the living room when he was having a moment.

This man. This amazing man.

When I moved to Ohio from California, away from all family at the age of 20, this family welcomed me in. I spent Christmas' and vacations with them, even though I wasn't their daughter. I came over and did laundry, and played cards with them, even after my now husband moved to Chicago.

Duke was my surrogate Dad.

He was hard; his life had been tough but he never discussed it or complained. When I met him, he didn't give hugs or say he loved you but that all changed with me. I'm a person who hugs and says I love you eighteen times in one conversation.... and he had to get used to it. But once he did, it was wonderful. And other family members would always comment, "he doesn't hug us", "he doesn't kiss us", "he doesn't say he loves us" and I would just explain that he wasn't raised that way and that we needed to be proactive about it with him. He gave great hugs and kisses and the very last thing he ever said to me was "I love you too Dear" and that means the world to me.

What I appreciated about him was that he always called it like he saw it; you always knew exactly where he stood and he gave great advice. He had great one liners; most of which I cannot repeat!

This man, this amazing man is still with us in every breath, every step, every laugh, every tear.

He is in all of our moments because he is my husband, and my son.

He is always with us because he is us.

Not Me Monday

2009-01-11T20:18:00.000-08:00

I did not actually expect the San Diego Chargers to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. That would have been irrational and expecting WAY too much from them. I would never do that to my favorite under-achievers.

I did not purchase my puppy a shirt because he'd look SOOO cute in it and it had a buddha on it which I thought was cool. I would never embarrass any of my dogs in this way.

I did not drop several "f" bombs while trying to get my son to complete his homework. Being that I only parent with "love and logic" that just would not come out of my mouth. Plus, I never use vulgarity.... NEVER.

I did not rent pineapple express and laugh when I realized that every pothead I've ever met or -not- hung out with (in younger days) was represented.

It's over....

2009-01-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

San Diego Chargers.... all over.

Why break my heart? Why decide to only show up to the game in the 3rd quarter like you've done all season? Why, Phillip Rivers.... why must you hold on to the ball FOREVER?!?!

My 8yr old son is a Steelers fan. He's a little brat. I sent him to bed early as punishment for being a fan. I may restrict all TV use for the week if he doesn't shape up and change his loyalty (ok, maybe this whole last paragraph was just fantasy.... but come on, give me a bone here).

Damn.

Oh, but before I leave, I must still express my undying love to you.... LT (you couldn't help being hurt). And, I'm starting to really fall for you too, Sproles. Just keep showing up like you do!

Go Chargers (wheeping).

Fun with Therapy!

2009-01-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

Did I get your attention?

Ok, great! My goal has been achieved. Isn't therapy always fun anyway? It not like they hand out "bullshit bingo" cards at the door (just to allow for some fun therapy action), but there is always a ton of enlightenment.

So, tonight my hubby and I attended couples counseling and I must say.... I've learned a lot about myself and it's not pretty but it is ME.

It's funny because this therapy thing has evolved over the last year into this. Originally we began attending therapy because we found out that my dad in law was dying and we felt it would be beneficial to have my son start getting therapy for this major life changing event; then when he passed away, we went through grief counseling (all of us). During this, I realized I could really use some parenting direction, so we started that.... My best friend (husband) was still attending grief counseling and started dealing with some issues that he has brought forward from childhood into adulthood and finally, our marriage. The issues surround "failure" and "confrontation".

This is where I come in.

We have a wonderful marriage; this man is my life. He is my best friend, my soul mate.... my one and only. He is everything and I adore him. Our only issue is communication regarding financial issues. We communicate wonderfully everywhere else, but here.... we lack.

My husband - for several years now - has maintained the bills, and budget for us. This has been due to my own anxiety over our financial status. The last year though, this has been just too much for one person. With the grief experienced over the loss of his father, work, raising a son, and all the other aspects of life.... it just became overwhelming. And, due to my anxiety about bills, and money... he had nowhere to turn.

What I've learned about my adorable sweet love, is that he doesn't ever want to say no to us (me or the kid). He wants us to have everything, and anything we want - even if we can't afford it. He "feels" like he's a failure if he can't get us whatever we want. He "feels" like he's letting us down and not giving us what we deserve. So, you can just imagine what happens next. Bills get out of control. I get angry and say REALLY mean things. Oh, and did I mention that hubby doesn't do well with confrontation? He shuts down. So, I get angry and yell... he shuts down and then just doesn't tell me when things are starting to snowball. Oh gosh, then.... more yelling. And this yelling? It's all coming from me. It's not productive or pretty. It makes him feel more of a failure, and then.... we just get more of the same.

So, tonight... the therapist asked a simple question. "Do you remember when you started to get anxious about bills and money"? And, my reaction... tears! OUT OF NOWHERE! And I don't even know why (at the time). My husband and I start addressing when we remember a change and miraculously, it's the same exact point in time. Right before we got married, I got really sick and was diagnosed with a lung disease; Sarcoidosis. I couldn't work and had to go out of state to a special lung hospital. Our bills just snowballed out of control and my Dad paid my debt (all of it). Now, here's the deal.... he said he would pay everything but he wanted me to send all my cards and bills to him so he could verify they were paid, then cut all the cards. I remember feeling like I was just this little kid, and couldn't be trusted. The therapist said it was "with strings" and I never really thought of it like that until tonight. It was control. He had to be in control.... even at 26 yrs old, he had control of my life again. It was a wonderful thing for my Dad to do, and I've always loved that he has helped me whenever I've needed him. I think that it's his way.... he has to "fix" things, and I can appreciate that. BUT, I was an adult and just needed a little help without any "strings". The therapist asked me what if I had told him no; I wouldn't send him the cards. What would the reaction have been? And honestly, I don't know. I don't tell him no. I don't know how to set boundaries with my Dad. He doesn't allow boundaries. My Dad calls me every week and I love that we have this great relationship now because it's not always been so open. The interesting thing that I have been evaluating tonight is this; if I don't answer the phone when he calls, he continues to call. He will call 3-4 more times and finally will give up. He then calls back the next day and wants to know where I was when he called. And, I lie. I was thinking about the questions that the therapist might ask me about this. She would ask, "what if you just answer and tell him you are busy and you'd like to talk to him later"? So, I thought about this.... He would just say, "oh".... and continue talking. He wouldn't accept that answer. And, I lie about not being home the next day because if I told him that I was home and didn't feel like talking, he might feel like I didn't think he was a priority in my life. The longer I think about it all though, I've realized.... he has to be in control.

He doesn't take no for an answer and guess what? I don't either.

I hate that about myself.

When we were discussing our issues earlier, my husband was talking about how sometimes I will ask about finances in an inopportune time and he explained how he'll ask to discuss it later.... I then get angry and insist on discussing it right then. She asked why and I explained because if I want to talk about something, I want to talk about it NOW! Hello? And so she said what would happen if he said no to me? And I explained it wouldn't happen because that wouldn't be ok with me. OK seriously? What's my deal? Who the hell do I think I am?

Here's an example of how this conversation would go........

Me... out of the blue: "Hey, what's going on with the bills? Are we good on money"?
Hubby: "How about I get all the info together and we discuss it later"?
Me: "Why can't we discuss it now"
Hubby: "Because I'm not comfortable going over that with you without all the facts"
Me: "Why not, what are you hiding"
Hubby: "I'm not hiding anything. You know I'm not good at just pulling numbers off the top of my head".
Me: "Then you should at least be able to give me an idea"
Hubby: "Everything's fine. Let's do this later"
Me: "I have a really weird feeling that you've got something you aren't telling me"
Hubby: "Not at all"
Me: "Well then, I don't understand why you can't do this now"
Hubby: "I just told you"
Me: "Whatever.... you know what?! I'll just takeover the bills and no one will get any money"!
Hubby:
Me: "I hate when you do this"!
Hubby: "I'm not doing anything"
Me: "EXACTLY"!!!!

Ok, so I can go on and on here but I think you get the point and really.... it's all me just yelling and you all might think I'm kind of sweet and I don't want to totally ruin any bit of love you may still have for me after you read this but it's ugly and doesn't really get us anywhere.

Here's the point. We don't ever move forward from this. We don't discuss the bills, I'm screamin' mad, and he's been verbally attacked and is just exhausted. So, in the end.... he get's what he wanted. We discuss it later, just with more hurt feelings.

I need to be in control; just like dear ole' Dad. But, I don't want to be like that. I'm mentally stronger than I have ever been. I'm not anxious and I'm ready. I want to be a partner in this. Not a dictator. Not a mother. Not a boss. Not a irrational tyrant. Just a partner. Ok, maybe a wife, a lover, a best friend, and a partner.... but his partner. Forever.

Focus Friday

2009-01-09T12:00:00.001-08:00

Being the completely focused person that I am ....

I am so excited to be a part of this wonderful weekly series! Over the last year, I have become increasingly "focused" and "organized" but I still need some improvement. thriftyandchicmom has put out this great little suggestion to assist in our success, and if you'd like to join me head on over to her blog and join in! I'm sure she (and I) would love to have you. Thanks once again to my wonderful friend, blueviolet for letting me in on this!

So, my focus this week.... hmmm..... where to begin.....

oh, that's right; <STAY FOCUSED HERE>.

~~Update my 2009 calendar with all important dates~~ (ok, I've already actually done this but I wanted some sort of credit.... lol)
Take time each evening to read with my son before bed.
Purchase birthday cards for the year (I did this last year and put them in a monthly folder, it was so nice to just grab the cards each month, and send them out.... oh and the dollar store has great deals for cards btw)!
Send my Sister and Stepmom their birthday presents (to arrive on time/early... whoa)!
Download my Christmas photos!

Not Me Monday!

2009-01-05T14:11:00.001-08:00

Thanks to my favorite "nut" for sharing not me Mondays with us (originally from MckMama). I'm needing this today!

Last week (and the week before) I did not make every attempt to not complete the list(s) of projects I had in order to just lay around, play around, and kid around with that adorable little boy of mine.

I did not leave the boxes of Christmas decorations in the kitchen dining area for several days, waiting on the storage elves to neatly stack them back in the basement where they came from.

I did not call Target the last two days, checking to see if there clearance Christmas items were marked down to 90%.... how rude.

We did not have a Guitar Hero tournament yesterday between my husband, son and I in which I was the champion... and the hottest character.

I swear to you, I did not pout last night when it was time to go to bed because it was my last night as a imposter sahm, knowing that my son would be returning to school today and I would be returning to work. I totally DID NOT do this..... not at all. No way.

Lets go CHARGERS, Lets GO!

2009-01-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

Our fifth straight win to secure the AFC West title! And, we lost LT in the 3rd and still did it!!!

How exciting!

Go Chargers!

2008-12-28T20:20:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh yeah! That's my Chargers!!!! WHOA!

Sunshine and Lemonade

2008-12-16T13:43:00.000-08:00

So, I was just reading up on my favorite bloggers and stumbled across a great little (great BIG) contest at http://sunshineandlemonade.blogspot.com/ She is giving away some amazing scrapbook gifts so go check it out!!!! GO DISNEY!

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-13T21:55:00.001-08:00

Human Rights Day

2008-12-10T06:57:00.000-08:00

Today is Human Rights Day.

The date was chosen to honour the United Nations General Assembly's adoption and proclamation, on 10 December 1948, of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR), the first global enunciation of human rights. The commemoration was established in 1950, when the General Assembly invited all states and interested organizations to celebrate the day as they saw fit.

The day is a high point in the calendar of UN headquarters in New York City, United States, and is normally marked by both high-level political conferences and meetings and by cultural events and exhibitions dealing with human rights issues. In addition, it is traditionally on 10 December that the five-yearly United Nations Prize in the Field of Human Rights and Nobel Peace Prize are awarded. Many governmental and nongovernmental organizations active in the human rights field also schedule special events to commemorate the day, as do many civil and social-cause organizations.

The 60th anniversary of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights occurs on December 10, 2008, and the UN Secretary-General has launched a year-long campaign to lead up to this anniversary. Because the UDHR holds the world record as the most translated document (with more than 360 language versions available), organizations around the globe will be able to use the year to focus on helping people everywhere learn about their rights.

So, on this day.... celebrate your right to live, and to do so peacefully.

Today is Weary Willy Day!

2008-12-09T11:23:00.000-08:00

Now just in case you turned off your email reminder (or lost your organizers with all your important dates) on this one.... it is National Weary Willy Day.

Emmett Kelly Sr., the most well-known of the tramp clowns of the circus. His character, Weary Willy, was the perpetual underdog, who never gave up - and, because of it, occasionally won. He was inducted into the Clown Hall of Fame in 1989. In 2007, the Emmett Kelly Museum will celebrate its’ 40th anniversary with an attempt at breaking the world’s record for the largest gathering of clowns.

Emmett Kelly Sr. was born in Sedan, Kansas on December 9, 1898. His father worked the railroad, and his mother ran the family-owned boarding house. Sedan has created the Emmett Kelly Museum in his honor. He grew up, not in Sedan, but on a farm in rural Missouri. He worked at various jobs, finally seeming to settle down working as a cartoonist for a silent film company in Kansas City. It was there that Emmett Kelly first drew the tramp clown character that he would later portray, Weary Willy.

Although gainfully employed, Emmett Kelly had dreamed of joining the circus since he was a young boy, as many of us did. Emmett, however, worked to make that dream a reality by purchasing a trapeze, and learning how to become a circus ... aerialist. His first performing circus job (he had previously worked painting circus wagons) was as a trapeze artist with Howe's Great London Circus -- with Emmett doubling as a clown. Emmett agreed, and began performing, not as Weary Willie, but as a white-face clown.

By 1923, Emmett Kelly was working his trapeze act with John Robinson's circus when he met and married Eva Moore, another circus trapeze artist. They later performed together as the "Aerial Kellys" with Emmett still performing occasionally as a white face clown.
The next year, Eva became pregnant and Emmett Kelly tried to increase his salary by developing a new clown character for the show based on his sketches of Weary Willy. The boss clown of the circus thought that the tramp clown wasn't appropriate for the circus -- Weary Willy was, in his opinion, too scruffy and dirty-looking. Emmett returned to the trapeze and his white faced clown, until the Great Depression made the appearance of tramps and hobos more acceptable to American audiences. In 1933, Emmett Kelly appeared as the now-famous Weary Willy as his standard clown character.

With the Great Depression, work became harder to come by -- Emmett Kelly worked at Hagenbeck-Wallace Circus, later joining the Cole Brothers & Clyde Beatty Circus in 1935, and joining the Mills Circus in England in the late 1930's. While performing in Europe, he performed for the Queen of Spain and Winston Churchill, among other notables. It was in London that he came to the attention of John Ringling North, who eventually signed Emmett Kelly in 1942 for the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus -- after Kelly had turned The Big Show down twice.

Emmett Kelly, in his guise as Weary Willie, did not join the huge Spectacle numbers at the conclusion of each performance, but instead wandered into other performers' acts -- string up laundry on a low acrobatic wire, dusting off animals, and working the stands. Read a first-person account of one of Emmett Kelly's circus performances. In addition, Emmett Kelly also performed in the ring in his own acts, with the most famous undoubtedly being his "sweeping the spotlight" routine. (An otherwise unremarkable children's movie, The Clown and the Kids, stars Emmett Kelly Sr., including a rendition of his sweeping the spotlight routine).

Emmett Kelly Sr. remained with the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus for fourteen seasons, taking the 1956 season off to perform as the 'mascot' for the Brooklyn Dodgers. Emmett was active on Broadway ("Please Keep off the Grass") and movies (notably the circus classic The Greatest Show on Earth and Fellini's classic The Clowns). Beginning in 1957, he worked with the Shrine Circus and made personal appearances worldwide.

Emmett Kelly Sr. died of a heart attack on March 28, 1979, at his home in Sarasota, Florida, USA. He is memorialized by the Emmett Kelly Museum in his birth town of Sedan, KS.

So, on this lovely day in history.... We salute you....!

Now...... no scary clown dreams tonight!

I won an award? Really? Me?

2008-11-24T13:46:00.000-08:00

Queenie Jeannie just gave me the coolest award; and "I big red puffy heart your blog award"! I can't believe it; I'm SOOO excited! This is my first award and from such a great person!!! WHOA!
I just love her blog. I just adore her! She is the best! I'm not even kissing up because she already gave me the award....so there! Anyway, to my friend.... Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! I'll cherish it always!

Dear Son

2008-11-21T08:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Son,

Little prince, I never knew just how much I could love someone until I held you in my arms. I knew I loved you before that day, I could feel it everytime you moved in my belly when I spoke to you but.... when I held you, and looked into your eyes.... the immediate, unbreakable, forever connection. It was incredible. It was true love at it's core.

You are my son, my love, my life. You are everything I could wish for, and more. You are kind and gentle, determined and strong willed, intelligent and inquisitive. You are supportive and sincere, generous and compassionate, captivating and hysterical, adorable and delightful, talented and confident, thoughtful and sweet. Most of all, you are lovable and loved.

The world is full of wonderful and amazing gifts awaiting you. It is all yours for the taking, and you will make a difference. Because you, my son... my prince, are able to do whatever you set your mind to. This world is yours.

You are 8 now, and so much of your own person but so much my little baby boy.

I look at you now, with your big amazing eyes and listen to you laugh, and I am so proud.

I am so proud to have you as my son.

I am so proud to have you in my life.

I am so proud.

I love you to the moon and back, infinity.

Momma.

Our newest addition

2008-11-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

Introducing: Buckeye!

Welcome, our new puppy! He is simply adorable and everyone has accepted him into the family like he has been here the whole time. Buckeye (named after Brutus and the Ohio State Buckeyes) was born 11 weeks ago and is 1/2 Irish Jack Russell, 1/2 English Jack Russell. He is a big time cuddle bug and too cute for pictures! Our oldest dog, Jake... has decided to be Buckeye's protector. He always has a watchful eye on Buckeye and let's him snuggle up to him when he's sleepy. Our middle dog, Tag is too excited for words (or barks). He is looking forward to having someone that can keep up with him in the yard. Our two cats, Meow and Bubbie.... well, let's talk about those two later; they haven't quite made up their minds yet. Now, if you want to talk about the humans in the house.... we are smitten; totally head over heals in love.

Christmas Cards!

2008-11-12T06:31:00.000-08:00

It's almost Christmas card time! How exciting!!! Can you believe it's almost "that time of year" already? So, this morning, I went over to one of my favorite sites, and Skip To My Lou has a great giveaway that would looks like it might be a wonderful solution for me! You should go over there and enter as well! 5 lucky winners will receive a digital file that allows you to print your own Christmas cards.

Go.... check it out!

Queenie Jeannie

2008-11-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

My blog-friend Jeannie is having a very special giveaway.... the winner(s) will get one of her cookbooks on cd..... how perfect is that? It's got hundreds of healthy recipes, just ready for you to make! So, get over to her blog and read up on how to enter; it's worth it. She's great!

http://happy-jeannie.blogspot.com/2008/11/good-morning-giveaway.html

That $#@% car!

2008-11-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

So, once more.... that #$@% car of mine.... is dead.

What a lovely car I have; a beautiful wine color..... new(er)..... comfy as all get out.... and now, dead. It's lovely, in my driveway.... un-useable.

I ride on a vanpool to Denver from my home, and get up at 0:dark:30. I get my drowsy self ready, and all cozy in my coat, gloves, and scarf.... head out to my car (that beauty) and press my automatic key opener; nothing. I assume at this point, it's the opener right? Good thought? Battery in there must be warn down.... now, I fumble around to see my key in that pitch black and finally get the door open. Get in, and go to start the car; nothing. Now the key is stuck in the ignition and the gear shift won't move. OH JOY! Just what I want to deal with at 5:30 in the morning..... I run in, and get my all problem solving hubby, who runs out with his workout shorts and tshirt to determine - amazing enough - it's dead. Weird.... Well, by now I've missed my van and it's not like I can drive my beautiful envoy to Denver, since I can't even drive it down my driveway.... let alone get my keys out of it! I guess I'll just stare at it for now. What a beauty.

Crafting in Laymons Terms

2008-11-04T09:55:00.001-08:00

I went over to this great little site, crafting in laymons terms.... they have some really cute products and they also happen to be having a contest for a giveaway. It's a $25 gift certificate towards their products, and like I said previously... they've got some really cute products. Check out the thank you and birthday cards! Too cute! Anyway, head on over and see for yourself.

http://craftinginlaymonsterms.blogspot.com/

10 weeks of winners!

2008-11-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

So, I just went to sunshineandlemonade's blogspot and she has an amazing contest... It's 10 weeks of winners; seriously... 10 weeks! Can you imagine?! It's like Oprah's "favorite things", but it's not.... it's Kats favorite things! Take a trip over there and check it out.....

Happy Halloween Pictures!

2008-11-01T19:36:00.001-07:00

Well, Halloween is over.... time to move on! But what a blast we had.

As promised.... my Halloween obsession

2008-10-31T07:45:00.000-07:00

I love decorating for Halloween.... on my previous blogsite, I promised pics.... since this is the new and (hopefully) improved site, I am posting them here!

Happy Halloween!!!!

2008-10-31T07:40:00.001-07:00

Tonight is the night

When dead leaves fly

Like witches on switches

Across the sky,

When elf and sprite

Flit through the night

On a moony sheen.

Tonight is the night

When leaves make a sound

Like a gnome in his home

Under the ground,

When spooks and trolls

Creep out of holes

Mossy and green.

Tonight is the night

When pumpkins stare

Through sheaves and leaves

Everywhere,

When ghouls and ghost

And goblin host

Dance round their queen.

It's Halloween.

Picture Perfect

2008-10-31T06:45:00.001-07:00

So, a couple of weeks ago I took some family portraits for my neighbors/friends. We had a great time and everyone was pleased with the results.Yesterday, my friend calls to inform me that when attempting to pick up her pictures from the photocenter she was advised that she would need to provide the photographers release before they could give them to her. She explained “no really, it’s just my neighbor” but there was no budging…. Eventually, when the sales person started to get a line of customers, she finally gave in.I found this hysterical at first, then it moved into this whole feeling of pride…. my work? really? I love photography, and now that I have a stranger thinking that I’m a professional…. maybe I should take a deeper look. Hmmmm…. project analyst? PHOTOGRAPHER!!! Oh Yeah!

WHOA! The Party!

2008-10-31T06:44:00.004-07:00

The Party!!

So, my son is born at the beginning of October but every year it is my mission to get him to “hold off” on the party so that he can have a Halloween Bday….. every once in awhile, it works! Honestly, I don’t know if I should make him suffer through my Halloween fanaticism, but I do. I guess I can admit here, with all of you, that it’s really for me….. not for him. However, all of those birthday presents weren’t too rough on him. Ok, so decorating! SO MUCH FUN!!!! This year, my lovely husband built my cemetary fence with some old wood pallets…. adorable! Ok I mean, spooooky ; . It was the best place to hold in all of the wonderful homemade gravestones. Some are true epitaphs (”I told you I was sick”, “Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and no place to go”) and some are just fun (”Here I lay, rotting away. I never did learn what not to say…. so when I told her she was getting fat, she caved in my head with a baseball bat”). I will load pics as soon as I get them uploaded and I hope you enjoy it as much as I. We have tons of yard and inside decorations, that make the house ever so creepy and each year, the collection grows. Playing traditional Halloween games, and having tons of homemade treats for the kiddo’s is just the greatest and to see the excitement in their faces made my night. We played a Halloween “telephone” game which was hysterical as the kids could not keep the lines straight at all; we told scary stories, had a candy corn toss, did a mummy wrap, played trick or treat (they picked a “trick” or a “treat” card out of the pumpkin and bobbed for apples. The kids really enjoyed playing all of the games and could have kept playing all evening…. I made a ton of treats; mummy dogs, chocolate spiders, web dip and chips, chocolate covered mummies, taco tarts, rice krispy treats, miscellaneous white and dark chocolate suckers, graveyard cake and ice scream (with potion bottles filled with various mix ins). I enjoyed making everything, and I can see how much I’ve changed in the last year because I didn’t once want to eat anything “off plan”. I enjoyed making everything, and sharing it….. I didn’t need to eat it! It was a wonderful night and I look forward to doing it again next year! Wish me luck !

Freedom # 4, Amusement Parks

2008-10-31T06:44:00.003-07:00

Amusement Parks I love roller coasters! The older the better; give me a rickety wooden roller coaster over the new shiny ones any day. There’s something about the nostalgia of them that makes me smile. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually squeezed into one of those seats. Just the idea of standing in line waiting to possibly not fit, just gave me the chills. I couldn’t put myself through that, I had decided…. so I didn’t go. Just too humiliating. So, now at 120lbs lighter…. the opportunity presented itself. A trip with our friends and kids to Elitch Gardens for the day. I was thrilled, I couldn’t wait! My friend and I headed straight for that beauty; the only wooden coaster in the park. I saw the seats, and they were small…. I questioned my decision, but moved forward. I closed my eyes, and sat down. Perfect fit! No problem at all…. How exciting! My friend, Melanie knew this was on my “freedom list” so was (I believe) as excited as I, and off we went…. laughing hysterically the whole time; it was the kind of laugh that makes your face hurt. It was amazing, magical, and thrilling. We had a blast. I was and am no longer held back by fear or weight. I am living.

Freedom # 3, Airplane Seats

2008-10-31T06:44:00.001-07:00

Airplane Seats

I love to travel. We live in between our families; we are in Colorado. My family is in California and my husband’s family is in Ohio. Travel is the only way to see them. I don’t like wasting time driving when I can be spending time with my family and friends, so I prefer flying. I’ve been flying since I was an infant. I’m not scared of airplanes. I’m scared of airplane SEATS! So, it starts immediately. Strategically sitting my son in between us, so that their is plenty of room (poor kid), or sitting him in between me and the stranger as to give the stranger enough room; getting an aisle seat or window seat so I can push out and not into the other persons space; going onto seatguru.com to determine which seats on the airplane are the biggest…. it’s a mess. It’s just ridiculous. Then, getting on the plane! The whole time, getting the looks. The “please don’t let her be sitting next to me” looks. I feel bad too, believe me! I don’t want to spill into their seats! I don’t want to make their travel uncomfortable. So, then we sit. And of course, the seatbelt doesn’t fit. My husband is so sweet…. he will quietly ask the attendant for a seatbelt extender for me and they are usually pretty kind about it. But again, sometimes you can just see the annoyance in their eyes. I’ve had them pass the extender to me over the seats after they have down the “emergency procedures” before… that’s always lovely. No embarrassment there, when the whole cabin is watching. And heaven forbid I had to use the bathroom…. squeezing in there is difficult enough at a normal weight, let alone being morbidly obese…. So, my question as I’m in there trying to maneuver around is this…. How exactly does one join the “mile high club” when you can barely do what it is actually made for??? Huh? Ha-ha! Anyway, we went to Virginia in July. I happily plopped down in my seat, put the armrests down with ease, and buckled my seatbelt…. free of extenders…. not spilling into my son’s seat (or anyone else for that matter) and enjoyed my flight. And no, joining the mile high club is not on my list of freedoms!

Freedom # 2, Riding a Bike with my Son

2008-10-31T06:43:00.004-07:00

Riding a bike with my son When I left California and moved to Ohio at 20 years old, my friends loaned me one of their 10 speeds. I rode it to work daily, and it was a life saver. I rode bikes on and off for a few years, but eventually I just became too large. I think I even can recall riding a bike before I got pregnant (at 29) but after that…. no. So, this butt has definitely NOT been on a bike in 8 years. I wanted to ride a bike with my son. I wanted to be next to him, enjoying the day, riding in the sun. There was a bike I required also….. a beach cruiser. Big, comfy seat…. old school. Like I grew up riding in California. This was the bike I had to have. So, back in May we found one at a garage sale. Big and comfy, my style…. nothing new about it! My son and I are riding in style, enjoying our days and laughing. What a great freedom. My son, and my new bike. Picture of the Beach Cruiser

Freedom # 1, The Wedding Ring

2008-10-31T06:43:00.003-07:00

THE WEDDING RING

When I was Seven, my sister and I interrupted my Mom while she was trying to use the bathroom. We were arguing (which we were great at by the way), and this argument could not wait (most of them couldn’t). The door burst open, and we insisted on knowing….. WHO GET’S WHICH WEDDING RING WHEN YOU DIE?!?! Ok, I promise. I’m not rude. Where this came from, I have no idea. My sister is not rude. We didn’t want her to die…. But, it does sound horrible…. I know. I’ve apologized for the way it came out several times. I don’t think it was meant to come out the way it did, but I can’t edit the story…. it’s the truth. Back to the ring(s)…… She had two; one that my Dad gave my Mom when they got engaged (when love was innocent; my Dad was going into the Navy, my Mom thought this was what love was all about, and they had their whole life ahead of them). The other was the one that my parents got in Hawaii and it had her name written in Hawaiian on it. Moving on…. so my poor Mom, sitting on the toilet and being attacked by her two little girls arguing about which wedding ring they are going to get then asks us….. “Ok? Well, which one do you want Denise”? And I say….. “I want the silver one” (I didn’t know white gold from silver) and she then asks my sister which ring she wants. Can you guess? She wants the gold ring. Wow. And we were arguing; are you getting this? So, she says…. “Alright. Then it’s settled. Denise get’s the silver, and Shelly, you get the gold. Resolved? Now can I finish”? So, as you all must be thinking now if I have the ring…. she must be gone. Thankfully no. The life with Dad is dead, but she is completely and totally alive and with us….. When I got engaged to my husband, my Mom gave me the ring. That ring means the world to me. As I said earlier, it symbolized what life was like in the beginning. And it’s my connection to my Mom (and to my Dad) even if they aren’t together. But, I got too big to wear that ring. And I lost that freedom when I became obese. I lost that connection. When I started my list of things I wanted back; my freedoms…. it was the first thing on my list. I talk about priorities in weight loss in my first blog and this was a priority for me. I wanted my ring back. So, when someone offered me a piece of cake, or if I was feeling weak… I would look at my list and think to myself…. Do I want a piece of cake? Or do I want to wear my wedding ring again. My choice was clear. My ring is now falling off and I need to get it resized. I knew the day I started my freedom list, my life had changed. When values are clear, decisions are easy. I will continue to add my freedoms to my blog. They are my a roadmap to my success. I wish that success to you… because you are worth it. Because I hope you LIVE every day of your life. Sending much love.

Dreams of Nutty Bars

2008-10-31T06:43:00.001-07:00

The Dream!

It only happens every once in awhile but when it does…. oh man…. hold on! I have these crazy food dreams! They could be quite yummy, if I could get past the obsessive food addiction part and just enjoy a bite.I’ve had dreams of eating ice cream, peanut butter, cookies, and my favorite…. nutty bars. In my dreams, I start off innocently enough (as I used to) with just a little taste. I can feel it, smell it and taste it. The next thing I know I have devoured the whole carton, jar, or box. Then, all I can think about (in my dream) is how bad I feel. The guilt sets in. How could I have done that after all the great work I’ve done? Why? Was it worth it? Couldn’t I have stopped at just one bite? And if not, why? Geez….. It becomes a dreaming anxiety attack! I’m analyzing my every step up to, during and after my slip. I awake like this…. I open my eyes and start immediately thinking about how I could have done something like that. Again, repeating the same analysis as above. Then I realize!!!! Wait? Did I just really eat all of….? Yes? NO!!!!! NO, I didn’t! It was a dream… right? I look around…. check my surroundings. Ok, I’m in my room. Let’s think this through…. Oh my gosh! It was a dream! WHOA! It was a dream!!!! If only I can enjoy just that first bite and walk away. I’m working on that! If I can master this dream food thing, I may have this all figured out! And I’ll be able to have my off plan enjoyment calorie free and literally…. in my dreams!!!! Wish me luck.

Food for Fuel

2008-10-31T06:42:00.003-07:00

Ah Ha

So, the old me wouldn’t eat during the day usually. I would definitely not eat breakfast. I would usually skip lunch and by the time I got home, I was so hungry. A quick hello to the kid and the husband as I headed directly to the kitchen cabinet was my daily ritual. Whatever was there, was mine. I would be halfway through whatever I was eating before I even bothered to take a breath, let alone really taste it. And it was never good choices. Potato Chips, candy bars, ice cream…. snack food. Oh, and even if it was a good healthy choice, like hmmmm let’s say…. celery? How about a stalk of celery and a 1/2 jar of peanut butter? Healthy just got thrown out the window! After the snacking, would then come the unhealthy dinner. Burgers, french fries…. and condiments. I loved my condiments too! So, french fries with ranch! Burgers with extra mayo! That was my idea of a good time. Thinking back, I never tasted any of it. I just ate to eat. I’m even sure that some of it was good, possibly great. But I wouldn’t know. Things have changed. Food is no longer a “filler” but it is “fuel” and I enjoy it. I eat three meals a day. I eat healthy, good for my body and soul food. When I eat, I enjoy every bite. I eat less food because I need less. I eat slow because I am appreciating my food. What I’ve noticed is when I eat healthy, my body rewards me. It is less tired, I no longer get migraines, and (for the most part) have a positive attitude (have to check with the husband on this one). I don’t crave the bad food, because I’m providing my body the nutrients it needs. When I have an on plan treat, I savor it. I actually do! I use my son’s small spoon, and I take small bites. It’s my special treat and I thoroughly enjoy it. The next time you see a kid enjoying an ice cream, watch and learn. That is what I strive for. That look. If it isn’t there to fuel my body or for absolute and total delight; it’s not for me.

Emotional Eating

2008-10-31T06:42:00.001-07:00

If you haven’t read the book, “Life is Hard, Food is Easy” by Linda Spangle you must. It puts it all out there in black and white. Life. It makes sense and doesn’t sugar coat it. The way I love to hear things. So, when I started my life changing at MRC this book was coming up in classes, and conversation often enough that I felt I needed to read it. When I opened it up this was the first chapter…. Emotional Eating. I thought… “Nope…. not me, might just skip it”. “I don’t get mad, or sad, or discouraged, or depressed, only to find myself at the fridge…. But, what the heck. Let’s give it a quick once over….” Boy, was it an eye opener. She defines emotional eating as “using food for emotional or phychological reasons instead of for satisfying the body’s physical requirement for food”. Hmmm. I read on. Here’s what I started to understand. It didn’t have to be obvious. I wasn’t “hunting” down food. She talked about M&M’s… and Girl Scout Cookies…. how you start with just a couple, and next thing you know you’ve lost track of how many you’ve eaten or in my case, the cookies and M&M’s disappeared (and no, there were no magicians in my home). I looked down the page, and suddenly my picture appeared, with arrows and blinking signs “emotional eater” all pointing directly at me! It was frightening how she was talking not to me anymore, but about me. Then she continues; there are the celebrations. You have a birthday…. have a cake! You get a promotion…. well then, dinner and drinks! You meet up with a long lost friend…. dinner, dessert, and drinks! Hmmmm…. this is looking a little too familiar. Oh gosh, what happens when you lose 10 lbs? Dinner, Dessert, Drinks…… then back to the beginning? How does one celebrate without food? It’s been in our lives for so long. It’s how we show we love each other, right? I love you, eat a cookie. I adore you, I made you a steak. I’m proud of you, here’s some ice cream. And sometimes, I would just find myself munching away for no reason; just because. Then, the box, or bag, or bowl would be empty. It was not serving me physically. I never realized that this was emotional eating. I just thought it was “bored” eating! “Just because” eating! But! It was serving a purpose, just not the purpose that food is meant to serve. And so, that companionship had to be evaluated. Linda Spangle, at the end of that very first chapter has a wonderful poem. Food is wonderful! In fact, food in my best friend. But lately, I’m aware that my friend is hurting me. Making me uncomfortable. Sabotaging my goals. Causing me Grief and Guilt. Possibly destroying my life. Today I made the decision - it’s time to get a new friend. Linda Spangle I understood completely what she meant, and it’s not about comforting yourself with food as she says. It’s about allowing the emotions to come in and embrace them. It’s to feel, and be felt. It’s to love and celebrate and embrace it all. I have found wonderful new ways to celebrate success, show love, be creative when bored, and cry when I need to cry. I experience life as it comes. It’s exciting, and sometimes scary, but always geniune. It’s me.

Beginning [noun]: The point at which something begins: Starts

2008-10-31T06:41:00.000-07:00

I gave my peer inspiration speech at my center last night. It was lovely. As scary as it was to open up about things that had been held so close to my heart for many years, it was freeing. I felt understood by my peers, and loved. It was a wonderful experience. Below is the speech.

Peer Inspiration,

Denise July 21, 2008

Metabolic Research Center, Greeley CO

Hello…. My name is Denise and I’ve been coming to Metabolic Research Center (MRC) for almost 9 months now. Thank you all for being here today, and celebrating my journey with me. I have my life back and I look forward to seeing you all achieve your goals. I wanted to start off my saying that most people that do these peer inspirations, are able to stand up here and speak without reading off of a page but this is all very raw for me. The thoughts and experiences I’m about to share with you today are very close to my heart. I’ve not shared them publicly before but I wanted to here, with you, today. They aren’t my exercise routine, or my food choices, or how much water I drink (although all have worth, and we can definitely discuss them). These are the issues at my core. They are the issues that I have had with food my entire life, and the reasons why I’m here with you today. I don’t have all of the answers but I hope to be able to give you some insight on what has helped me along the way.

First, I’d like to give you some background into my journey here. I was born and raised in California so I spent a lot of time outdoors. I was on the swim team, and played soccer. I spent a lot of time at the beach and we did a lot of outdoor activities…. My Mom regularly sent us to school with pita bread sandwiches and fresh fruit. We ate healthy food at home too. So, one of the questions I often ask myself if how did I get to be obese? There are a lot of pieces to that puzzle that I’ve discovered along my journey but WAY too much to get into here today…. I’ll attempt to just share a few… I had horrible self esteem, I had negative self talk, I was shy and I was often scared. When I say scared, I wasn’t necessarily scared of my parents… but I was scared of a lot of things. Scared of fitting in, scared of not fitting in, scared of talking, and when I did talk, I was scared of saying the wrong thing, I was terrified of dying…. Basically I was scared of everything. And I stuck out… I was tall. I was the tallest girl in school. I recently saw my 6th grade class picture and I could have been mistaken for the teacher. So, I took being the tallest as being the biggest which was very scary. I was the “biggest”. I just remember feeling really, really BIG. This kind of negative self talk just snowballed through adolescence, and into adulthood. And in time, I became what I put out…. I became Obese. Obese then became Morbidly Obese.

When my son was born in 2000, I decided it was time for a change. I started a program and did well. I lost quite a bit of weight on the program but I never changed my perception of food. I didn’t attempt to understand my issues around food. I would spend all week thinking about what I was going to eat for my “cheat meal” after weigh in. As important as I believed this weight loss was too me, the food took priority over it all. I gained it back within a year (plus some). I’m sure most of you can relate to this. I wanted to be smaller, and “less” obese but not as much as I wanted to eat. My priorities weren’t clear at that point. As much as I wanted them to be, I hadn’t hit my “rock bottom”. I tried other “diets” along the way, but none with any true success. Then… something amazing happened. I gave up. I threw in the towel. And in doing so, it started me on the journey into discovering the most amazing person I've ever met.... myself.

This journey wasn’t for the weak at heart. It was a dark, cold, lonely, and sad place for a very long time…. but on the other side was my life. The life I was destined to lead. The life we all can have if we decide it’s worth the effort. When I gave up, I saw someone I have never met. I have never been the type of person who shuts down and makes a conscious decision to quit. However, this time…. I was done; completely over it. I was now morbidly obese and that's just the way it was. I needed to accept my role in this world and embrace it. This was me; all of me. “Love it and leave it”! I would eat what I want, hide in my room, and publicly put a smile on my face. It would be the new me. I would not continue to compete with food; it could win…. I was too weak. I was just a victim to food. This would be my new outlook. Unfortunately, the person who couldn't accept this new outlook was me. How was I going to look in the mirror everyday, and see the real me trapped inside and not do everything humanly possible to save her. But for an entire year, that's exactly what I did. And, as I got bigger… my world got smaller. I would lie on my couch or in my bed. I cried into my pillow or on my husbands shoulder. I constantly made excuses to not meet up with friends (because honestly, who would want me around?) and I refused to be out in public anymore than necessary. I repeatedly asked my husband how he could be with someone that looked like me (by the way I am married to the kindest, most supportive man in the entire world) and apologized to my son for not being the Mom he deserved to have. The kind of Mom that rode bikes, went to the park, took walks, and played outside with him. I felt weak, depressed, anxious, lonely, and powerless. This was not the person I used to know. I didn't recognize her and she was not me.

Then, one day it happened. I decided enough was enough. I was taking my life back. This was not the life I was meant to lead. This was not my destiny. I was not living my authentic life, or being my authentic self. I had allowed those feelings to have power over me for quite some time, but no longer. I felt empowered to take my life back. Above all else, I wanted to reclaim the person inside the body. I held her close, and made sure she knew that she was loved, and cared for, and that I would never abuse her again. I also agreed to forgive myself. I was moving forward. I could not go through life, not living, anymore. And I was not living it at all. I had merely been existing. In doing so, I had been doing a disservice to myself and my family and friends by not being the person I knew I was… inside. That day my world opened up and I began my journey. There was a quote that means the world to me.... it says "I took a vow of non violence and that includes my body". First and foremost, I refuse to do any harm to myself. That same day, I started a list of things I wanted back. Things that I could not have from being the weight I was.

My first entry..... My wedding ring. It is actually the ring my Dad gave my Mom when they got married. That ring is very special. To me, it holds a lot of symbolism. My parents were young, their love was innocent, my father was going off to Vietnam, and my Mom was entering womanhood. It was the beginning of everything. My parents are no longer together, but that ring still holds the symbolism for me. So when I was married, it became my wedding band. My husband added a platinum band in the middle to complete our circle. This ring, that meant so much to me, didn’t fit. It hadn’t fit in years. This first entry began my list and it is pertinent to my journey. I truly hope that you all have an opportunity to sit down and write your own list. I can’t tell you how much I’ve used this list. It keeps me focused and helps me to keep my priorities straight. When values are clear, decisions are easy.

I had been researching a center, and had been interested in checking it out. I had been online and had found some good feedback from other clients. I had also found a supportive “external” forum that seemed to be a good fit for me. I was ready.... I really felt strongly that this was the direction for me. I just knew that this center was going to help me in my journey. I just could “feel” it. So, I called and made my appointment. I signed up that very night! There was no question; this was my place. This was the missing link on my journey. For me, it was exactly what I needed; counseling, classes, food instruction, weigh-ins, and so much more. I am a good student. I am able to have someone tell me what to eat, how much to eat and I will follow that instruction..... My issue has always been the heart issues and the head issues. I needed to understand why I do what I do and what I can do to change my perception about food. I love this center. I love these people. I feel like they are committed to my success, as much as I am. I'm more than just a number to them and when I’m here, I feel like I’m with family.

I began MRC on October 27th. Before Halloween and more importantly, before Halloween candy! For me, this was a great place to start. There can always be a reason to hold off…. But when values are clear, decisions are easy. By the way, Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday.... and it went off without a hitch. I was on plan, and kicking butt. Several holidays, and events followed.....

The most powerful and emotional issue that occurred was that my Father in Law (and I don’t even like to call him my Father in Law… he was my Dad. I am lucky enough to have had two Dads) was diagnosed and then passed away from Lung Cancer. He suffered greatly, and we miss him very much. When he died, we didn’t know how we would continue on without him. Fortunately, we had no regrets. We still hear him and his advice all the time. He was great at kicking us in our butts and getting us back on track. There was no time for pity parties. This man knew of loss, and sadness, and could have been quite bitter. But he wasn’t. He was strong. He found out he had cancer one year to the date after he had been given a kidney transplant that he waited 7 years on dialysis for. His response to us, when asked how he felt about it all? “It is what it is” As bad as things are or can be, you move forward. You don’t waste time on things you can’t change. You do what needs to be done, and you fight. It is what it is. You can’t change it. Life happens, death happens, we have to continue. And in relation to our situation here; there can always be an excuse or a reason to eat off plan…. But what’s the point? Life is constantly happening, no matter how much we try to stop it. It is what it is. And, I could have used any or all of those life events as a reason to mis-step, but I had a choice and my choice was clear. "I took a vow of non violence, and that includes my body".

I also had my list.... Let's not forget the "list". I had now named it my "freedom list". It was all of the wonderful things I would get back (my freedoms) as I lost weight. So, when someone would say "Would you like a piece of cake"? I would think of my list..... Here's how it went.... Cake? or Riding a bike with my son? That decision was so easy to make..... It was almost ridiculous to even think about. Cake or my son? There was no thought needed. Sometimes there was no temptation in front of me…. Sometimes it was just me and my thoughts….. wondering if I could continue? Could I handle it? So, then out came the list. And, then I would realize that I absolutely could do it. I was strong and powerful. There was no question.

I had other assistance as well. I have the most amazing support system. My husband and son are just beautiful. They are my foundation. I can have a bad day or feel weak, and they hold me up. They tell me how strong I am and motivate me in the most wonderful ways. I hope to return that gift to them someday.

My husband; he is amazing. After our Dad passed away, we were coming home from Ohio and I was sure I was done. While we were there, I had made it through every kind of temptation possible. I had been strong, and made it through all 9 days but now, we were driving home and I couldn’t do it anymore. Each time we stopped on the way home, I would request something… one time it was French Fries, then Mozzarella Sticks…. It went on and on. Each time, my loving husband said the most wonderful thing. He said… “When we get home, if you REALLY want it, you can have it”. When we got home, something magical happened. I didn’t want any of that “stuff” anymore. I was back in my routine and feeling fine. He is my best friend, and the person who knows me better than anyone; often times, better than I know myself. I came away from that experience realizing….If you want something badly enough, you are willing to wait for it.

My Son; the love of my life….. I can’t begin to tell you all of the things that he does that make me smile. One of the many things he does, that just makes me want to hug him until he can’t breathe is: When I get home from weigh ins, he asks how much I’ve lost and gives me high fives and sometimes adds a special success dance for me. That’s just part of it though…. My absolute favorite thing is what I like to call “Amiri measurements”. Amiri(my son) is seven and understands lb’s lost, but that to him is irrelevant (except for when I lost his weight… then I could say I lost one of him… now I say I’ve lost almost two of him). What matters to him the most are hugs….. When he used to hug me, his hands didn’t touch…. So, he started measuring my loss by how close his fingers were when he hugged me then he would say “Momma, you are losing a lot”! Now, his hands overlap and it’s very exciting. I love getting those measurements.

I've gone through every emotion there is. For me, it’s seems like at different weights, I've been at different levels of self discovery. They were really powerful steps that I needed to take. Sometimes the emotions would pop up and overwhelm me.... Other times, they just would flow in and out. In the beginning, I needed to know so desperately why? What shaped my behaviors as a child? What created my control issues with food? When did my self image change? Was I born with a negative self image or was it learned? Was it influenced by my parents? Or was it society? Could it have been influenced by my peers? Maybe it had all been in my head? At points, I would be angry that I could let myself get to this point. How could anyone have gotten so out of control? Why didn’t I stop myself at 200lbs? or at 250lbs? Why not 300lbs? or 350lbs? Why had I just kept going when I knew it was such an issue? I was so relieved and thankful to have the classes here at all of these different moments because it really helped me to understand my feelings, as well as my old behavior. I was able to really evaluate these feelings in a safe and friendly environment. And when I felt like I needed to discuss these things, they were there. They were a neutral party, and could provide a sounding board when I needed it. I can talk to them about anything.

Which leads me into my “slip”. Twice, I discovered that I was going back to my old habits of skipping meals. I really thought I had everything all figured out and it hit me out of nowhere. For about a week, I would skip breakfast or lunch.... or both. It was my old ways, without the bad food choices (at least), but it was slowing creeping back in. And it caught me off guard and put me into a tail spin. It took me some time to get over the fact I wasn’t as perfect as I thought and I spent a lot of time talking to my friends here. But what I realized is how much you learn from these things… and when you’re perfect, you don’t learn a thing. In terms of having a slip, or with any issue or mis-step that may come up, I’d like to share an analogy with you. Picture yourself driving down the freeway heading home to the ones you love. You miss the exit. What do you do? Do you continue to drive on, screaming and yelling at yourself, never to arrive at your destination…? Never again to see the ones you love? Or, do you acknowledge the error, get off on the next exit and make the correction? I choose to make the U turn. Again, when this “slip” occurred, I thought it was so awful but what I realized from it was that I don’t have my mind figured out quite yet. I am a work in progress and always will be. But isn't that the most amazing part of being a human being? We are always learning, and growing. So.... back to basics. I went back to square one and remembered that I'm learning. That's what I did and I got back on track.

As of today, I have lost 115 lbs on plan and look forward to living. My freedom list is still growing day by day and I will share it with you now. My wedding ring is now almost falling off and will need to be resized.

Through this journey, I have had the pleasure of meeting the most incredible person.

She is loving, kind, and caring.

She is determined, and intelligent....

She is amazing and I am that woman.